What is Abuse? Abuse is any pattern of behaviour that controls another person, causes physical harm or fear, makes someone do things they do not want to do, or prevents them from doing things they do want to do. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, material or financial. Abused women usually experience multiple forms of abuse.
Forms of Abuse
Physical abuse includes:
slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, shoving, scratching, biting, throwing things at you
threatening or attacking you with a weapon
locking you in or out of the house or abandoning you in a dangerous place
refusing to help you when you are injured, sick or pregnant
Sexual abuse includes:
making you wear clothes or do sexual things that make you uncomfortable
pressuring or forcing you to perform sexual acts that you do not want to do
forcing you to have sex when you do not want to; raping you or threatening to rape you
forcing you to have sex with other people
Emotional abuse includes:
insulting you
making you feel stupid or worthless
ridiculing your beliefs
humiliating you in public or private
ignoring you
intimidating or harassing you
being overly jealous or possessive
accusing you of infidelity without good reason
isolating you from your family and friends
preventing you from going to work or school
attacking your children or your pets
threatening to kill you or to leave you or to throw you out
threatening to kill himself or go mad if you leave or don't do want he wants
Financial or Material abuse includes:
taking or spending your money
preventing you from having a job
taking or destroying your possessions
spending most of the money on himself or giving you a very small allowance
expecting you to account for every cent or do more with the money than is possible
refusing to give you information about your joint financial situation
How Common is Woman Abuse?
It is difficult to get reliable statistics on violence against women in South Africa because 1) most cases go unreported and 2) the police do not keep separate statistics on assault cases perpetrated by husbands or boyfriends. Here is what we do know:
One study estimated that one adult woman out of every six in South Africa is currently assaulted by her partner.
Research carried out in Soweto in 1994 found that one in three women attending a clinic for any reason had been battered at some time by her husband or boyfriend.
43% of 159 women surveyed in the Cape Town Metropolitan area had been subjected to marital rape or assault.
While some men are abused by their female partners, 95% of the time, it is women who are the victims of violent abuse in the home
At least one woman is killed by her partner every six days in South Africa.
Most men who are killed die in the street at the hands of a stranger; over 50% of women who are killed are murdered by their partners
Why Does He Abuse?
There are many common beliefs about why men choose to be violent:
he had a sad or traumatic childhood
he drinks or uses drugs
his life is very stressful
he has trouble expressing his feelings
he is oppressed because he is poor
he suffered under apartheid
he can't control his anger
These are all excuses!!!
We all experience trauma, stress, anger and fear, but an abusive man CHOOSES to abuse as a way of dealing with his pain or problems. He uses excuses to avoid taking responsibility for his behaviour. Frequently, he tries to blame the woman for the abuse by saying that she is a bad partner, a bad mother, that she provokes him or asks for it. Because it is hard to live with him, he tries to make her feel that she would not survive without him. He needs her to believe that she is bad and stay dependent on him. He can control his violence, but he chooses to control her instead.
There is NO acceptable excuse for abuse!
The abuser is the only person responsible for the abuse, and he is the only person who can make it stop.
Why Do Abused Women Stay?
Perhaps the most common myth about woman abuse is that "it can't be that bad, or she'd leave." In reality, there are many practical and emotional factors that compel women to stay with men who abuse them:
Economic and Legal Factors:
financial dependence on the abuser
lack of employment or skills
fear of being unable to support the children and not receiving maintenance
fear of losing custody of the children
lack of alternative accommodation
lack of knowledge of the law and her rights
lack of faith in the police, often based on bad experiences with police in the past
Isolation
the abuser may forbid her to see people or attack her when she tries to reach out
he may threaten to harm people she cares for
people she turns to for help may not believe her or may blame her for what's happening
Emotional Factors:
love, pity or sorrow for her partner
belief or hope that the abuser will change
belief that she can make the abuse stop if she tries hard enough
fear of the unknown
fear of not being able to cope on her own
fear that the abuser may kill her if she leaves or refuses to withdraw the charge
numb to the abuse (usually when there has been a history of childhood abuse)
low self-esteem; feelings of worthlessness; belief that she deserves the abuse
paralysis caused by fear
Societal Factors:
shame and embarrassment about the abuse
desire to protect her partner, parents, children or other loved ones from the shame involved
belief that the children need their father
fear that she will not be believed or helped by the police, her family, or the community
lack of support from friends, family and others
religious or cultural values
The Cycle of Violence
An abuser usually goes through three clear, repeating stages in his behviour. This cycle of violence is important in keeping the woman in the relationship because the abuser is alternately kind and abusive.
As the relationship progresses, the abusive stage usually becomes more severe, and the cycle gets shorter, making the abuse more frequent. Some abusers never enter the honeymoon stage. They never feel sorry for what they do.
What Can an Abused Woman Do?
Ask family or friends for support
Go for counselling for yourself
Lay a charge of assault with the police
Get a Prevention of Family Violence Act Interdict at the local Magistrate's Court
Call a family meeting
Ask a supportive religious leader to intervene
Move out temporarily
Make plans to go: arrange housing, set money aside, seek employment, pack essentials
Get a divorce
Go to a shelter
Contact a women's organisation for help, support and legal advice if you need more information about any of these options
What Can the Community Do?
Intervene if you witness behaviour that you believe is violent or abusive
Inform yourself and other people about woman abuse; arrange a talk for your school, union, church or community group
Lobby the police and government for better services for abused women
Listen to and believe a woman who confides in you; ask her how you can help and what she needs to feel safer
Respect that any information an abused woman gives you is confidential
Support the right of all women to live in safety
No comments:
Post a Comment