Myths and Misconceptions : Women Abusing

What is a "Myth"?

A "Myth" a commonly held belief, idea or explanation that is not true. Myths arise from people's need to make sense of acts that are senseless, violent or disturbing. They attempt to explain horrible events, like abuse and rape, in ways that fit with our preconceived ideas about the world - they arise from and reinforce our prejudices and stereotypes. Myths have powerful "Implications" for how we look at the world. In this pamphlet, we present some common myths about battery and abuse, list their implications, and then provide the facts.

Myth: Women Abuse is a Private Family Problem

Implications:

denies community responsibility for a social issue
silences and isolates abused women
Facts:

the domestic domain is not a sanctity: it is often the site of neglect, abuse, rape and incest
a crime is a crime whether it is committed publicly on the street or privately in the home
the oppression that creates abuse of women is everyone's concern
Myth: Battery Is Just a Few Slaps

Implications:

denies the seriousness and deadliness of battery
minimises abused women's feelings and experiences
Facts:

research shows that over half of women who are murdered are killed by their partners
at least one woman is killed every six days by her partner in South Africa
women who survive battery are often hospitalised with broken bones, burns and other severe injuries
Myth: It Can't Be That Bad or She Would Leave

Implications:

disregards social and economic realities
denies the complexity of the problem
prevents women from obtaining support or assistance
ignores women's experiences and feelings
Facts:

women are often forced to stay in violent relationships for many reasons, including:
limited options and resources, including child care, safe housing, and money
fear that the abuser will kill them -- most women who are murdered by their partners are killed when they leave or shortly after
concern about losing their homes, of impending poverty and isolation
fear of losing custody of their children
duty, religious beliefs or family pressure
love and hope that the abuser will change
isolation from family, friends and co-workers; a feeling that no one can help
Myth: Stress and/or Substance Abuse Causes Battery

Implications:

removes blame from the abuser
obscures the real issue
provides an excuse for abuse

Facts:

many men who ARE NOT stressed or abusing substances DO abuse women
many men who ARE stressed and/or abuse substances DO NOT abuse women
stress, substance abuse and battery are all separate issues and should be understood as such
Myth: It's Because of His Childhood

Implications:

removes blame and responsibility from the abuser
attempts to generate sympathy for the abuser
assumes the abuser can't heal from a bad childhood or assume adult responsibility
Facts:

most abusers grow up in abusive households, but NOT ALL abused boys grow up to be abusers
men who DID NOT grow up in violent homes sometimes become abusers
adult men CHOOSE to abuse as a way of dealing with their pain or problems and must be held accountable for that choice
Myth: Women Choose Abusive Relationships Because They are Crazy or Masochistic

Implications:

blames and stigmatises abused women
'psycholigises' and obscures the problem
provides an excuse for abuse
silences and isolates abused women
Facts:

women choose partners who claim to love them
'crazy' behaviour is often a result of the abuse, not the cause
many abused women feel depressed, angry, or suicidal; they may numb the physical and emotional pain through drugs or alcohol; this does not make them insane and they recover after leaving the abusive relationship
Myth: Children Need Their Father Even If He Is Violent

Implications:

assumes that a family requires a male head
denies the capability of single mothers
keeps women and children in an unhealthy environment
Facts:

growing up in a household where there is abuse is often harmful to children -- some of the emotional effects include:
thinking the abuse is their fault
constant anxiety
feeling guilty for not stopping the abuse
fear of abandonment
stress related disorders
language, speech and hearing problems
difficulty concentrating or learning problems
older children may be injured while trying to protect their mothers
children from violent homes run a higher risk of substance abuse and juvenile delinquency
seeing battery teaches children that gender violence is acceptable--girls from violent homes are more likely to be abused as adults; boys often become abusers themselves
(Source: Padayachee, Anshu and Navi Pillay. Violence Against Women: A Guide to Your Rights. Durban: Advice Desk for Abused Women, University of Durban-Westville. 1993.)

Myth: Women Abuse Happens to Uneducated, Working Class Women

Implications:

makes violence in working class communities seem "normal"
reinforces racial and class prejudices
isolates and silences other women

Facts:

women abuse knows no socio-economic boundaries: women of all races, classes, cultures, language groups and educational groups are abused by their partners
Myth: But Women Abuse Men Too…

Implications

denies the usual direction of violence in the home
denies that battery is part of overall social oppression of women
Facts:

while some men are abused by their partners, 95% of the time, it is women who are the victims of 'domestic violence'
women who are violent are most often violent in self-defence
most men who are killed die in the street at the hands of a stranger; most women who are killed die at home at the hands of their partner
Myth: Abusers are Also Violent Outside the Home

Implications:

attempts to excuse abuse on grounds of gender stereotypes (eg "Men are always violent")
assumes the abuser is unable to control his own behaviour
denies the gender aspect of violence against women
Facts:

most abusers are only violent towards their partners and control their aggression outside the home, at work and with their friends
many abusers create a positive image outside the home and are respected community members
Myth: Only Physical Abuse Matters

Implications:

denies the impact of other forms of abuse
Facts:

emotional, sexual and financial abuse are also very damaging
many women report that damage to their self-esteem takes longer to heal than their physical injuries
Myth: Abuse Doesn't Happen in Lesbian or Gay Relationships

Implications:

assumes that same-sex partnerships are always partnerships between equals
silences lesbians and gays who are being abused
Facts:

although gender is the most common power difference that is abused in relationships, other power differences (money, age, education) can form the basis for abuse in a same-sex partnership
lesbians and gay men are sometimes abused
Myth: Once Battered Always Battered

Implications:

blames the victim
causes her to give up hope
keeps her in the abusive relationship
Facts:

many women have successfully left abusive relationships and established warm, loving relationships with partners who care for them