What is Rape?
In South African law, rape is defined as "intentional unlawful sexual intercourse with a woman without her consent." There are several problems with this definition:
Forced anal or oral sex is not considered rape. Neither is penetration with an object or a body part other than the penis. These are considered "indecent assault", which carries a lower penalty than rape.
Violent sexual crimes between people of the same sex are not recognised as rape.
POWA defines rape as any forced or coerced genital contact or sexual penetration. Sexual assault is defined as any other form of undesired sexual contact and is often just as traumatic.
Many people think that rape only occurs between strangers. This is not true. Acquaintance rape and date rape and are the most common kinds of rape.
Many people also believe that a man cannot rape his wife, or a that a boyfriend cannot rape his girlfriend. This is also untrue. Rape is sex without consent: it does not matter if the woman knows the man, if they have gone on a date, if she has had to sex with him before, or if she is married to him.
How Common is Rape?
31 085 rapes were reported in the first 8 months of 1996, an increase of almost 20% over the same period in 1994.
36 888 rapes were reported in 1995.
The police estimate that only 2.8% of rapes are reported, giving a total figure of over one million rapes a year in South Africa.
Studies have indicated slightly less than 2% of all rape reports are false, which is less than false reporting of other violent crimes.
Despite stereotypes about black men raping white women, and white men raping black women, police statistics show that most rapes occur within the rapist's own community.
Slightly less than 1 in 3 reported rapes end up going to trial. About 15% of reports result in guilty verdicts (half of the cases that are tried).
Why Does Rape Happen?
Many people believe that rape is a crime of passion: that men rape because they get so sexually aroused they cannot help themselves. This assumes that men are incapable or delaying gratification or controlling sexual urges, which is clearly untrue. It also suggests that rape is impulsive.
Interviews with rapists reveal that most rapes are premeditated and planned. Rapists rape to feel powerful and in control, not for sexual pleasure. Many rapists fail to get an erection or ejaculate. Many rapists are involved in sexually satisfying relationships at the time of the rape.
A study comparing rape rates in different countries found lower incidences of rape occurred in societies where:
there were lower levels of overall violence
there was mutual task sharing between men and women
women generally enjoyed higher status
there was strict condemnation and prosecution of all forms of rape
South Africa is a rape-prone society:
South Africa has very high levels of overall violence and many people believe that it is OK to use violence to feel powerful or get what they want.
South Africa's legal definition of rape in no way condemns all forms of rape, and we have some of the lowest conviction rates for rapists in the world (see above).
In South Africa, many tasks (such as dishwashing) or careers (such as nursing) are commonly believed to be "women's work." Men are expected to be sexually powerful, and women are expected to be sexually available and submissive.
53% of women in SA have no income. While 33% of Parliamentarians are women, these changes have not yet filtered to everyone. Women lack economic, political, social and religious power compared to men, and this leaves them vulnerable to male violence.
Rape Trauma Syndrome
Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that often affects rape survivors. It includes physical (body) symptoms (shock, difficulty eating and/or sleeping, racing pulse, shortness of breath, etc.); cognitive (mind) symptoms (intrusive thoughts, memory loss, nightmares, poor concentration, etc.); behavioural (actions) symptoms (crying, avoiding reminders, increased bathing, sexual problems, relationship problems, etc.); and emotional symptoms (denial, shame, guilt, fear, worry, grief, depression, etc.).
Women respond to the trauma of rape in different ways. Some rape survivors have many severe RTS symptoms; others may have few or none at all. Regardless of an individual woman's reaction, it is very important to remember that the symptoms of RTS are a NORMAL reaction to a traumatic experience, and that they will fade over time with care and support. See POWA's pamphlet "Rape Trauma Syndrome" for more information.
After a Rape
After being raped, a woman needs care and support. She also needs to get back her sense of power, control and safety in the world. Family and friends should support her as she decides what to do, but must not put any pressure on her. She will need to consider the following things:
Police Intervention: She is the only person who can make the decision about whether or not to report; nobody should pressure her one way or the other.
Medical Attention: It is best to seek medical attention even if she does not appear to be injured. She needs to find out if she has any internal injuries, and determine her risk of pregnancy, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Counselling: Organisations like POWA that have knowledge and skill in working with rape survivors are best-placed to assist, but she must be the one to decide if and when she wants to speak to someone.
Notes for Survivors on the Police:
The first person you tell about the rape is called the first witness. This person will have to make a statement to the police about your emotional state, your physical condition and the state of your clothing. If possible, the first witness should come with you to the police station.
You can report the rape at any time; however, it is best to report within 72 hours so that evidence such as blood or semen can still be collected. Also, many officials still believe that if a person does not report a crime immediately then it did not happen.
Try not to wash or change clothes before reporting the rape: this will destroy important evidence. Take a fresh set of clothes to the police station if possible in case the clothes you are wearing are needed for evidence.
It is better not take any tranquillisers or alcohol before going to the police. You need to be clear-headed when you are giving your statement.
Steps to Take:
Go to a police station and make a statement. You have the right make your statement in a private room and/or to a female police officer (if one is available). You also have the right to have someone with you to support you.
Your statement must be as detailed and accurate as you can make it. If you are too upset when you first report, you can ask to make the statement the next day. Read your statement over and make all needed corrections before you sign it.
You will need to have a medico-legal examination to collect evidence. The police will take you to the District Surgeon (DS) for this exam. You may see a private doctor instead, but this doctor must be willing to testify in court. The DS exam is free; however, the DS cannot treat you for injuries or illnesses. You will need to see your own doctor later for a check-up and treatment.
Before you leave the police, make sure you know: the name of the Investigating Officer, your case number, the name of the police station, and a phone number you can call to check on how the investigation is going.
During the Investigation:
The Investigating Officer should keep you up-to-date about the progress of your case. If you do not hear anything, phone the station to be sure they are following up with the investigation.
If the police hold an identification parade, you DO NOT have to touch the rapist; merely indicate which person he is. If there is a station with a one-way mirror facility nearby, you can ask that the identity parade be held there.
Going to Trial:
When the police have finished their investigation, they will give the docket to the public prosecutor. The prosecutor will then decide if there is enough evidence to go to trial. The police may not make this decision; they must simply collect evidence.
In court, the rapist must be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. If the magistrate or judge has any doubt about the guilt of the accused, he must be set free. A "not guilty" verdict means that there was not enough evidence to convict the rapist; it does not mean that you were not raped, or that the people at the court don't believe you.
The court case can take many months, and can be postponed many times before it is finalised. This can be very traumatic. If your case is going to trial, you may want to contact POWA or another women's organisation. We can give you more information, help you prepare to testify, and send a support worker with you on the day of the trial.
Rape: The Basic Facts
What is Rape?
In South African law, rape is defined as "intentional unlawful sexual intercourse with a woman without her consent." There are several problems with this definition:
Forced anal or oral sex is not considered rape. Neither is penetration with an object or a body part other than the penis. These are considered "indecent assault", which carries a lower penalty than rape.
Violent sexual crimes between people of the same sex are not recognised as rape.
POWA defines rape as any forced or coerced genital contact or sexual penetration. Sexual assault is defined as any other form of undesired sexual contact and is often just as traumatic.
Many people think that rape only occurs between strangers. This is not true. Acquaintance rape and date rape and are the most common kinds of rape.
Many people also believe that a man cannot rape his wife, or a that a boyfriend cannot rape his girlfriend. This is also untrue. Rape is sex without consent: it does not matter if the woman knows the man, if they have gone on a date, if she has had to sex with him before, or if she is married to him.
How Common is Rape?
31 085 rapes were reported in the first 8 months of 1996, an increase of almost 20% over the same period in 1994.
36 888 rapes were reported in 1995.
The police estimate that only 2.8% of rapes are reported, giving a total figure of over one million rapes a year in South Africa.
Studies have indicated slightly less than 2% of all rape reports are false, which is less than false reporting of other violent crimes.
Despite stereotypes about black men raping white women, and white men raping black women, police statistics show that most rapes occur within the rapist's own community.
Slightly less than 1 in 3 reported rapes end up going to trial. About 15% of reports result in guilty verdicts (half of the cases that are tried).
Why Does Rape Happen?
Many people believe that rape is a crime of passion: that men rape because they get so sexually aroused they cannot help themselves. This assumes that men are incapable or delaying gratification or controlling sexual urges, which is clearly untrue. It also suggests that rape is impulsive.
Interviews with rapists reveal that most rapes are premeditated and planned. Rapists rape to feel powerful and in control, not for sexual pleasure. Many rapists fail to get an erection or ejaculate. Many rapists are involved in sexually satisfying relationships at the time of the rape.
A study comparing rape rates in different countries found lower incidences of rape occurred in societies where:
there were lower levels of overall violence
there was mutual task sharing between men and women
women generally enjoyed higher status
there was strict condemnation and prosecution of all forms of rape
South Africa is a rape-prone society:
South Africa has very high levels of overall violence and many people believe that it is OK to use violence to feel powerful or get what they want.
South Africa's legal definition of rape in no way condemns all forms of rape, and we have some of the lowest conviction rates for rapists in the world (see above).
In South Africa, many tasks (such as dishwashing) or careers (such as nursing) are commonly believed to be "women's work." Men are expected to be sexually powerful, and women are expected to be sexually available and submissive.
53% of women in SA have no income. While 33% of Parliamentarians are women, these changes have not yet filtered to everyone. Women lack economic, political, social and religious power compared to men, and this leaves them vulnerable to male violence.
Rape Trauma Syndrome
Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that often affects rape survivors. It includes physical (body) symptoms (shock, difficulty eating and/or sleeping, racing pulse, shortness of breath, etc.); cognitive (mind) symptoms (intrusive thoughts, memory loss, nightmares, poor concentration, etc.); behavioural (actions) symptoms (crying, avoiding reminders, increased bathing, sexual problems, relationship problems, etc.); and emotional symptoms (denial, shame, guilt, fear, worry, grief, depression, etc.).
Women respond to the trauma of rape in different ways. Some rape survivors have many severe RTS symptoms; others may have few or none at all. Regardless of an individual woman's reaction, it is very important to remember that the symptoms of RTS are a NORMAL reaction to a traumatic experience, and that they will fade over time with care and support. See POWA's pamphlet "Rape Trauma Syndrome" for more information.
After a Rape
After being raped, a woman needs care and support. She also needs to get back her sense of power, control and safety in the world. Family and friends should support her as she decides what to do, but must not put any pressure on her. She will need to consider the following things:
Police Intervention: She is the only person who can make the decision about whether or not to report; nobody should pressure her one way or the other.
Medical Attention: It is best to seek medical attention even if she does not appear to be injured. She needs to find out if she has any internal injuries, and determine her risk of pregnancy, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Counselling: Organisations like POWA that have knowledge and skill in working with rape survivors are best-placed to assist, but she must be the one to decide if and when she wants to speak to someone.
Notes for Survivors on the Police:
The first person you tell about the rape is called the first witness. This person will have to make a statement to the police about your emotional state, your physical condition and the state of your clothing. If possible, the first witness should come with you to the police station.
You can report the rape at any time; however, it is best to report within 72 hours so that evidence such as blood or semen can still be collected. Also, many officials still believe that if a person does not report a crime immediately then it did not happen.
Try not to wash or change clothes before reporting the rape: this will destroy important evidence. Take a fresh set of clothes to the police station if possible in case the clothes you are wearing are needed for evidence.
It is better not take any tranquillisers or alcohol before going to the police. You need to be clear-headed when you are giving your statement.
Steps to Take:
Go to a police station and make a statement. You have the right make your statement in a private room and/or to a female police officer (if one is available). You also have the right to have someone with you to support you.
Your statement must be as detailed and accurate as you can make it. If you are too upset when you first report, you can ask to make the statement the next day. Read your statement over and make all needed corrections before you sign it.
You will need to have a medico-legal examination to collect evidence. The police will take you to the District Surgeon (DS) for this exam. You may see a private doctor instead, but this doctor must be willing to testify in court. The DS exam is free; however, the DS cannot treat you for injuries or illnesses. You will need to see your own doctor later for a check-up and treatment.
Before you leave the police, make sure you know: the name of the Investigating Officer, your case number, the name of the police station, and a phone number you can call to check on how the investigation is going.
During the Investigation:
The Investigating Officer should keep you up-to-date about the progress of your case. If you do not hear anything, phone the station to be sure they are following up with the investigation.
If the police hold an identification parade, you DO NOT have to touch the rapist; merely indicate which person he is. If there is a station with a one-way mirror facility nearby, you can ask that the identity parade be held there.
Going to Trial:
When the police have finished their investigation, they will give the docket to the public prosecutor. The prosecutor will then decide if there is enough evidence to go to trial. The police may not make this decision; they must simply collect evidence.
In court, the rapist must be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. If the magistrate or judge has any doubt about the guilt of the accused, he must be set free. A "not guilty" verdict means that there was not enough evidence to convict the rapist; it does not mean that you were not raped, or that the people at the court don't believe you.
The court case can take many months, and can be postponed many times before it is finalised. This can be very traumatic. If your case is going to trial, you may want to contact POWA or another women's organisation. We can give you more information, help you prepare to testify, and send a support worker with you on the day of the trial.
In South African law, rape is defined as "intentional unlawful sexual intercourse with a woman without her consent." There are several problems with this definition:
Forced anal or oral sex is not considered rape. Neither is penetration with an object or a body part other than the penis. These are considered "indecent assault", which carries a lower penalty than rape.
Violent sexual crimes between people of the same sex are not recognised as rape.
POWA defines rape as any forced or coerced genital contact or sexual penetration. Sexual assault is defined as any other form of undesired sexual contact and is often just as traumatic.
Many people think that rape only occurs between strangers. This is not true. Acquaintance rape and date rape and are the most common kinds of rape.
Many people also believe that a man cannot rape his wife, or a that a boyfriend cannot rape his girlfriend. This is also untrue. Rape is sex without consent: it does not matter if the woman knows the man, if they have gone on a date, if she has had to sex with him before, or if she is married to him.
How Common is Rape?
31 085 rapes were reported in the first 8 months of 1996, an increase of almost 20% over the same period in 1994.
36 888 rapes were reported in 1995.
The police estimate that only 2.8% of rapes are reported, giving a total figure of over one million rapes a year in South Africa.
Studies have indicated slightly less than 2% of all rape reports are false, which is less than false reporting of other violent crimes.
Despite stereotypes about black men raping white women, and white men raping black women, police statistics show that most rapes occur within the rapist's own community.
Slightly less than 1 in 3 reported rapes end up going to trial. About 15% of reports result in guilty verdicts (half of the cases that are tried).
Why Does Rape Happen?
Many people believe that rape is a crime of passion: that men rape because they get so sexually aroused they cannot help themselves. This assumes that men are incapable or delaying gratification or controlling sexual urges, which is clearly untrue. It also suggests that rape is impulsive.
Interviews with rapists reveal that most rapes are premeditated and planned. Rapists rape to feel powerful and in control, not for sexual pleasure. Many rapists fail to get an erection or ejaculate. Many rapists are involved in sexually satisfying relationships at the time of the rape.
A study comparing rape rates in different countries found lower incidences of rape occurred in societies where:
there were lower levels of overall violence
there was mutual task sharing between men and women
women generally enjoyed higher status
there was strict condemnation and prosecution of all forms of rape
South Africa is a rape-prone society:
South Africa has very high levels of overall violence and many people believe that it is OK to use violence to feel powerful or get what they want.
South Africa's legal definition of rape in no way condemns all forms of rape, and we have some of the lowest conviction rates for rapists in the world (see above).
In South Africa, many tasks (such as dishwashing) or careers (such as nursing) are commonly believed to be "women's work." Men are expected to be sexually powerful, and women are expected to be sexually available and submissive.
53% of women in SA have no income. While 33% of Parliamentarians are women, these changes have not yet filtered to everyone. Women lack economic, political, social and religious power compared to men, and this leaves them vulnerable to male violence.
Rape Trauma Syndrome
Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) is a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that often affects rape survivors. It includes physical (body) symptoms (shock, difficulty eating and/or sleeping, racing pulse, shortness of breath, etc.); cognitive (mind) symptoms (intrusive thoughts, memory loss, nightmares, poor concentration, etc.); behavioural (actions) symptoms (crying, avoiding reminders, increased bathing, sexual problems, relationship problems, etc.); and emotional symptoms (denial, shame, guilt, fear, worry, grief, depression, etc.).
Women respond to the trauma of rape in different ways. Some rape survivors have many severe RTS symptoms; others may have few or none at all. Regardless of an individual woman's reaction, it is very important to remember that the symptoms of RTS are a NORMAL reaction to a traumatic experience, and that they will fade over time with care and support. See POWA's pamphlet "Rape Trauma Syndrome" for more information.
After a Rape
After being raped, a woman needs care and support. She also needs to get back her sense of power, control and safety in the world. Family and friends should support her as she decides what to do, but must not put any pressure on her. She will need to consider the following things:
Police Intervention: She is the only person who can make the decision about whether or not to report; nobody should pressure her one way or the other.
Medical Attention: It is best to seek medical attention even if she does not appear to be injured. She needs to find out if she has any internal injuries, and determine her risk of pregnancy, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Counselling: Organisations like POWA that have knowledge and skill in working with rape survivors are best-placed to assist, but she must be the one to decide if and when she wants to speak to someone.
Notes for Survivors on the Police:
The first person you tell about the rape is called the first witness. This person will have to make a statement to the police about your emotional state, your physical condition and the state of your clothing. If possible, the first witness should come with you to the police station.
You can report the rape at any time; however, it is best to report within 72 hours so that evidence such as blood or semen can still be collected. Also, many officials still believe that if a person does not report a crime immediately then it did not happen.
Try not to wash or change clothes before reporting the rape: this will destroy important evidence. Take a fresh set of clothes to the police station if possible in case the clothes you are wearing are needed for evidence.
It is better not take any tranquillisers or alcohol before going to the police. You need to be clear-headed when you are giving your statement.
Steps to Take:
Go to a police station and make a statement. You have the right make your statement in a private room and/or to a female police officer (if one is available). You also have the right to have someone with you to support you.
Your statement must be as detailed and accurate as you can make it. If you are too upset when you first report, you can ask to make the statement the next day. Read your statement over and make all needed corrections before you sign it.
You will need to have a medico-legal examination to collect evidence. The police will take you to the District Surgeon (DS) for this exam. You may see a private doctor instead, but this doctor must be willing to testify in court. The DS exam is free; however, the DS cannot treat you for injuries or illnesses. You will need to see your own doctor later for a check-up and treatment.
Before you leave the police, make sure you know: the name of the Investigating Officer, your case number, the name of the police station, and a phone number you can call to check on how the investigation is going.
During the Investigation:
The Investigating Officer should keep you up-to-date about the progress of your case. If you do not hear anything, phone the station to be sure they are following up with the investigation.
If the police hold an identification parade, you DO NOT have to touch the rapist; merely indicate which person he is. If there is a station with a one-way mirror facility nearby, you can ask that the identity parade be held there.
Going to Trial:
When the police have finished their investigation, they will give the docket to the public prosecutor. The prosecutor will then decide if there is enough evidence to go to trial. The police may not make this decision; they must simply collect evidence.
In court, the rapist must be proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. If the magistrate or judge has any doubt about the guilt of the accused, he must be set free. A "not guilty" verdict means that there was not enough evidence to convict the rapist; it does not mean that you were not raped, or that the people at the court don't believe you.
The court case can take many months, and can be postponed many times before it is finalised. This can be very traumatic. If your case is going to trial, you may want to contact POWA or another women's organisation. We can give you more information, help you prepare to testify, and send a support worker with you on the day of the trial.
Myths and Misconceptions : Women Abusing
What is a "Myth"?
A "Myth" a commonly held belief, idea or explanation that is not true. Myths arise from people's need to make sense of acts that are senseless, violent or disturbing. They attempt to explain horrible events, like abuse and rape, in ways that fit with our preconceived ideas about the world - they arise from and reinforce our prejudices and stereotypes. Myths have powerful "Implications" for how we look at the world. In this pamphlet, we present some common myths about battery and abuse, list their implications, and then provide the facts.
Myth: Women Abuse is a Private Family Problem
Implications:
denies community responsibility for a social issue
silences and isolates abused women
Facts:
the domestic domain is not a sanctity: it is often the site of neglect, abuse, rape and incest
a crime is a crime whether it is committed publicly on the street or privately in the home
the oppression that creates abuse of women is everyone's concern
Myth: Battery Is Just a Few Slaps
Implications:
denies the seriousness and deadliness of battery
minimises abused women's feelings and experiences
Facts:
research shows that over half of women who are murdered are killed by their partners
at least one woman is killed every six days by her partner in South Africa
women who survive battery are often hospitalised with broken bones, burns and other severe injuries
Myth: It Can't Be That Bad or She Would Leave
Implications:
disregards social and economic realities
denies the complexity of the problem
prevents women from obtaining support or assistance
ignores women's experiences and feelings
Facts:
women are often forced to stay in violent relationships for many reasons, including:
limited options and resources, including child care, safe housing, and money
fear that the abuser will kill them -- most women who are murdered by their partners are killed when they leave or shortly after
concern about losing their homes, of impending poverty and isolation
fear of losing custody of their children
duty, religious beliefs or family pressure
love and hope that the abuser will change
isolation from family, friends and co-workers; a feeling that no one can help
Myth: Stress and/or Substance Abuse Causes Battery
Implications:
removes blame from the abuser
obscures the real issue
provides an excuse for abuse
Facts:
many men who ARE NOT stressed or abusing substances DO abuse women
many men who ARE stressed and/or abuse substances DO NOT abuse women
stress, substance abuse and battery are all separate issues and should be understood as such
Myth: It's Because of His Childhood
Implications:
removes blame and responsibility from the abuser
attempts to generate sympathy for the abuser
assumes the abuser can't heal from a bad childhood or assume adult responsibility
Facts:
most abusers grow up in abusive households, but NOT ALL abused boys grow up to be abusers
men who DID NOT grow up in violent homes sometimes become abusers
adult men CHOOSE to abuse as a way of dealing with their pain or problems and must be held accountable for that choice
Myth: Women Choose Abusive Relationships Because They are Crazy or Masochistic
Implications:
blames and stigmatises abused women
'psycholigises' and obscures the problem
provides an excuse for abuse
silences and isolates abused women
Facts:
women choose partners who claim to love them
'crazy' behaviour is often a result of the abuse, not the cause
many abused women feel depressed, angry, or suicidal; they may numb the physical and emotional pain through drugs or alcohol; this does not make them insane and they recover after leaving the abusive relationship
Myth: Children Need Their Father Even If He Is Violent
Implications:
assumes that a family requires a male head
denies the capability of single mothers
keeps women and children in an unhealthy environment
Facts:
growing up in a household where there is abuse is often harmful to children -- some of the emotional effects include:
thinking the abuse is their fault
constant anxiety
feeling guilty for not stopping the abuse
fear of abandonment
stress related disorders
language, speech and hearing problems
difficulty concentrating or learning problems
older children may be injured while trying to protect their mothers
children from violent homes run a higher risk of substance abuse and juvenile delinquency
seeing battery teaches children that gender violence is acceptable--girls from violent homes are more likely to be abused as adults; boys often become abusers themselves
(Source: Padayachee, Anshu and Navi Pillay. Violence Against Women: A Guide to Your Rights. Durban: Advice Desk for Abused Women, University of Durban-Westville. 1993.)
Myth: Women Abuse Happens to Uneducated, Working Class Women
Implications:
makes violence in working class communities seem "normal"
reinforces racial and class prejudices
isolates and silences other women
Facts:
women abuse knows no socio-economic boundaries: women of all races, classes, cultures, language groups and educational groups are abused by their partners
Myth: But Women Abuse Men Too…
Implications
denies the usual direction of violence in the home
denies that battery is part of overall social oppression of women
Facts:
while some men are abused by their partners, 95% of the time, it is women who are the victims of 'domestic violence'
women who are violent are most often violent in self-defence
most men who are killed die in the street at the hands of a stranger; most women who are killed die at home at the hands of their partner
Myth: Abusers are Also Violent Outside the Home
Implications:
attempts to excuse abuse on grounds of gender stereotypes (eg "Men are always violent")
assumes the abuser is unable to control his own behaviour
denies the gender aspect of violence against women
Facts:
most abusers are only violent towards their partners and control their aggression outside the home, at work and with their friends
many abusers create a positive image outside the home and are respected community members
Myth: Only Physical Abuse Matters
Implications:
denies the impact of other forms of abuse
Facts:
emotional, sexual and financial abuse are also very damaging
many women report that damage to their self-esteem takes longer to heal than their physical injuries
Myth: Abuse Doesn't Happen in Lesbian or Gay Relationships
Implications:
assumes that same-sex partnerships are always partnerships between equals
silences lesbians and gays who are being abused
Facts:
although gender is the most common power difference that is abused in relationships, other power differences (money, age, education) can form the basis for abuse in a same-sex partnership
lesbians and gay men are sometimes abused
Myth: Once Battered Always Battered
Implications:
blames the victim
causes her to give up hope
keeps her in the abusive relationship
Facts:
many women have successfully left abusive relationships and established warm, loving relationships with partners who care for them
A "Myth" a commonly held belief, idea or explanation that is not true. Myths arise from people's need to make sense of acts that are senseless, violent or disturbing. They attempt to explain horrible events, like abuse and rape, in ways that fit with our preconceived ideas about the world - they arise from and reinforce our prejudices and stereotypes. Myths have powerful "Implications" for how we look at the world. In this pamphlet, we present some common myths about battery and abuse, list their implications, and then provide the facts.
Myth: Women Abuse is a Private Family Problem
Implications:
denies community responsibility for a social issue
silences and isolates abused women
Facts:
the domestic domain is not a sanctity: it is often the site of neglect, abuse, rape and incest
a crime is a crime whether it is committed publicly on the street or privately in the home
the oppression that creates abuse of women is everyone's concern
Myth: Battery Is Just a Few Slaps
Implications:
denies the seriousness and deadliness of battery
minimises abused women's feelings and experiences
Facts:
research shows that over half of women who are murdered are killed by their partners
at least one woman is killed every six days by her partner in South Africa
women who survive battery are often hospitalised with broken bones, burns and other severe injuries
Myth: It Can't Be That Bad or She Would Leave
Implications:
disregards social and economic realities
denies the complexity of the problem
prevents women from obtaining support or assistance
ignores women's experiences and feelings
Facts:
women are often forced to stay in violent relationships for many reasons, including:
limited options and resources, including child care, safe housing, and money
fear that the abuser will kill them -- most women who are murdered by their partners are killed when they leave or shortly after
concern about losing their homes, of impending poverty and isolation
fear of losing custody of their children
duty, religious beliefs or family pressure
love and hope that the abuser will change
isolation from family, friends and co-workers; a feeling that no one can help
Myth: Stress and/or Substance Abuse Causes Battery
Implications:
removes blame from the abuser
obscures the real issue
provides an excuse for abuse
Facts:
many men who ARE NOT stressed or abusing substances DO abuse women
many men who ARE stressed and/or abuse substances DO NOT abuse women
stress, substance abuse and battery are all separate issues and should be understood as such
Myth: It's Because of His Childhood
Implications:
removes blame and responsibility from the abuser
attempts to generate sympathy for the abuser
assumes the abuser can't heal from a bad childhood or assume adult responsibility
Facts:
most abusers grow up in abusive households, but NOT ALL abused boys grow up to be abusers
men who DID NOT grow up in violent homes sometimes become abusers
adult men CHOOSE to abuse as a way of dealing with their pain or problems and must be held accountable for that choice
Myth: Women Choose Abusive Relationships Because They are Crazy or Masochistic
Implications:
blames and stigmatises abused women
'psycholigises' and obscures the problem
provides an excuse for abuse
silences and isolates abused women
Facts:
women choose partners who claim to love them
'crazy' behaviour is often a result of the abuse, not the cause
many abused women feel depressed, angry, or suicidal; they may numb the physical and emotional pain through drugs or alcohol; this does not make them insane and they recover after leaving the abusive relationship
Myth: Children Need Their Father Even If He Is Violent
Implications:
assumes that a family requires a male head
denies the capability of single mothers
keeps women and children in an unhealthy environment
Facts:
growing up in a household where there is abuse is often harmful to children -- some of the emotional effects include:
thinking the abuse is their fault
constant anxiety
feeling guilty for not stopping the abuse
fear of abandonment
stress related disorders
language, speech and hearing problems
difficulty concentrating or learning problems
older children may be injured while trying to protect their mothers
children from violent homes run a higher risk of substance abuse and juvenile delinquency
seeing battery teaches children that gender violence is acceptable--girls from violent homes are more likely to be abused as adults; boys often become abusers themselves
(Source: Padayachee, Anshu and Navi Pillay. Violence Against Women: A Guide to Your Rights. Durban: Advice Desk for Abused Women, University of Durban-Westville. 1993.)
Myth: Women Abuse Happens to Uneducated, Working Class Women
Implications:
makes violence in working class communities seem "normal"
reinforces racial and class prejudices
isolates and silences other women
Facts:
women abuse knows no socio-economic boundaries: women of all races, classes, cultures, language groups and educational groups are abused by their partners
Myth: But Women Abuse Men Too…
Implications
denies the usual direction of violence in the home
denies that battery is part of overall social oppression of women
Facts:
while some men are abused by their partners, 95% of the time, it is women who are the victims of 'domestic violence'
women who are violent are most often violent in self-defence
most men who are killed die in the street at the hands of a stranger; most women who are killed die at home at the hands of their partner
Myth: Abusers are Also Violent Outside the Home
Implications:
attempts to excuse abuse on grounds of gender stereotypes (eg "Men are always violent")
assumes the abuser is unable to control his own behaviour
denies the gender aspect of violence against women
Facts:
most abusers are only violent towards their partners and control their aggression outside the home, at work and with their friends
many abusers create a positive image outside the home and are respected community members
Myth: Only Physical Abuse Matters
Implications:
denies the impact of other forms of abuse
Facts:
emotional, sexual and financial abuse are also very damaging
many women report that damage to their self-esteem takes longer to heal than their physical injuries
Myth: Abuse Doesn't Happen in Lesbian or Gay Relationships
Implications:
assumes that same-sex partnerships are always partnerships between equals
silences lesbians and gays who are being abused
Facts:
although gender is the most common power difference that is abused in relationships, other power differences (money, age, education) can form the basis for abuse in a same-sex partnership
lesbians and gay men are sometimes abused
Myth: Once Battered Always Battered
Implications:
blames the victim
causes her to give up hope
keeps her in the abusive relationship
Facts:
many women have successfully left abusive relationships and established warm, loving relationships with partners who care for them
Woman Abuse: The Basic Facts
What is Abuse? Abuse is any pattern of behaviour that controls another person, causes physical harm or fear, makes someone do things they do not want to do, or prevents them from doing things they do want to do. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, material or financial. Abused women usually experience multiple forms of abuse.
Forms of Abuse
Physical abuse includes:
slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, shoving, scratching, biting, throwing things at you
threatening or attacking you with a weapon
locking you in or out of the house or abandoning you in a dangerous place
refusing to help you when you are injured, sick or pregnant
Sexual abuse includes:
making you wear clothes or do sexual things that make you uncomfortable
pressuring or forcing you to perform sexual acts that you do not want to do
forcing you to have sex when you do not want to; raping you or threatening to rape you
forcing you to have sex with other people
Emotional abuse includes:
insulting you
making you feel stupid or worthless
ridiculing your beliefs
humiliating you in public or private
ignoring you
intimidating or harassing you
being overly jealous or possessive
accusing you of infidelity without good reason
isolating you from your family and friends
preventing you from going to work or school
attacking your children or your pets
threatening to kill you or to leave you or to throw you out
threatening to kill himself or go mad if you leave or don't do want he wants
Financial or Material abuse includes:
taking or spending your money
preventing you from having a job
taking or destroying your possessions
spending most of the money on himself or giving you a very small allowance
expecting you to account for every cent or do more with the money than is possible
refusing to give you information about your joint financial situation
How Common is Woman Abuse?
It is difficult to get reliable statistics on violence against women in South Africa because 1) most cases go unreported and 2) the police do not keep separate statistics on assault cases perpetrated by husbands or boyfriends. Here is what we do know:
One study estimated that one adult woman out of every six in South Africa is currently assaulted by her partner.
Research carried out in Soweto in 1994 found that one in three women attending a clinic for any reason had been battered at some time by her husband or boyfriend.
43% of 159 women surveyed in the Cape Town Metropolitan area had been subjected to marital rape or assault.
While some men are abused by their female partners, 95% of the time, it is women who are the victims of violent abuse in the home
At least one woman is killed by her partner every six days in South Africa.
Most men who are killed die in the street at the hands of a stranger; over 50% of women who are killed are murdered by their partners
Why Does He Abuse?
There are many common beliefs about why men choose to be violent:
he had a sad or traumatic childhood
he drinks or uses drugs
his life is very stressful
he has trouble expressing his feelings
he is oppressed because he is poor
he suffered under apartheid
he can't control his anger
These are all excuses!!!
We all experience trauma, stress, anger and fear, but an abusive man CHOOSES to abuse as a way of dealing with his pain or problems. He uses excuses to avoid taking responsibility for his behaviour. Frequently, he tries to blame the woman for the abuse by saying that she is a bad partner, a bad mother, that she provokes him or asks for it. Because it is hard to live with him, he tries to make her feel that she would not survive without him. He needs her to believe that she is bad and stay dependent on him. He can control his violence, but he chooses to control her instead.
There is NO acceptable excuse for abuse!
The abuser is the only person responsible for the abuse, and he is the only person who can make it stop.
Why Do Abused Women Stay?
Perhaps the most common myth about woman abuse is that "it can't be that bad, or she'd leave." In reality, there are many practical and emotional factors that compel women to stay with men who abuse them:
Economic and Legal Factors:
financial dependence on the abuser
lack of employment or skills
fear of being unable to support the children and not receiving maintenance
fear of losing custody of the children
lack of alternative accommodation
lack of knowledge of the law and her rights
lack of faith in the police, often based on bad experiences with police in the past
Isolation
the abuser may forbid her to see people or attack her when she tries to reach out
he may threaten to harm people she cares for
people she turns to for help may not believe her or may blame her for what's happening
Emotional Factors:
love, pity or sorrow for her partner
belief or hope that the abuser will change
belief that she can make the abuse stop if she tries hard enough
fear of the unknown
fear of not being able to cope on her own
fear that the abuser may kill her if she leaves or refuses to withdraw the charge
numb to the abuse (usually when there has been a history of childhood abuse)
low self-esteem; feelings of worthlessness; belief that she deserves the abuse
paralysis caused by fear
Societal Factors:
shame and embarrassment about the abuse
desire to protect her partner, parents, children or other loved ones from the shame involved
belief that the children need their father
fear that she will not be believed or helped by the police, her family, or the community
lack of support from friends, family and others
religious or cultural values
The Cycle of Violence
An abuser usually goes through three clear, repeating stages in his behviour. This cycle of violence is important in keeping the woman in the relationship because the abuser is alternately kind and abusive.
As the relationship progresses, the abusive stage usually becomes more severe, and the cycle gets shorter, making the abuse more frequent. Some abusers never enter the honeymoon stage. They never feel sorry for what they do.
What Can an Abused Woman Do?
Ask family or friends for support
Go for counselling for yourself
Lay a charge of assault with the police
Get a Prevention of Family Violence Act Interdict at the local Magistrate's Court
Call a family meeting
Ask a supportive religious leader to intervene
Move out temporarily
Make plans to go: arrange housing, set money aside, seek employment, pack essentials
Get a divorce
Go to a shelter
Contact a women's organisation for help, support and legal advice if you need more information about any of these options
What Can the Community Do?
Intervene if you witness behaviour that you believe is violent or abusive
Inform yourself and other people about woman abuse; arrange a talk for your school, union, church or community group
Lobby the police and government for better services for abused women
Listen to and believe a woman who confides in you; ask her how you can help and what she needs to feel safer
Respect that any information an abused woman gives you is confidential
Support the right of all women to live in safety
Forms of Abuse
Physical abuse includes:
slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, shoving, scratching, biting, throwing things at you
threatening or attacking you with a weapon
locking you in or out of the house or abandoning you in a dangerous place
refusing to help you when you are injured, sick or pregnant
Sexual abuse includes:
making you wear clothes or do sexual things that make you uncomfortable
pressuring or forcing you to perform sexual acts that you do not want to do
forcing you to have sex when you do not want to; raping you or threatening to rape you
forcing you to have sex with other people
Emotional abuse includes:
insulting you
making you feel stupid or worthless
ridiculing your beliefs
humiliating you in public or private
ignoring you
intimidating or harassing you
being overly jealous or possessive
accusing you of infidelity without good reason
isolating you from your family and friends
preventing you from going to work or school
attacking your children or your pets
threatening to kill you or to leave you or to throw you out
threatening to kill himself or go mad if you leave or don't do want he wants
Financial or Material abuse includes:
taking or spending your money
preventing you from having a job
taking or destroying your possessions
spending most of the money on himself or giving you a very small allowance
expecting you to account for every cent or do more with the money than is possible
refusing to give you information about your joint financial situation
How Common is Woman Abuse?
It is difficult to get reliable statistics on violence against women in South Africa because 1) most cases go unreported and 2) the police do not keep separate statistics on assault cases perpetrated by husbands or boyfriends. Here is what we do know:
One study estimated that one adult woman out of every six in South Africa is currently assaulted by her partner.
Research carried out in Soweto in 1994 found that one in three women attending a clinic for any reason had been battered at some time by her husband or boyfriend.
43% of 159 women surveyed in the Cape Town Metropolitan area had been subjected to marital rape or assault.
While some men are abused by their female partners, 95% of the time, it is women who are the victims of violent abuse in the home
At least one woman is killed by her partner every six days in South Africa.
Most men who are killed die in the street at the hands of a stranger; over 50% of women who are killed are murdered by their partners
Why Does He Abuse?
There are many common beliefs about why men choose to be violent:
he had a sad or traumatic childhood
he drinks or uses drugs
his life is very stressful
he has trouble expressing his feelings
he is oppressed because he is poor
he suffered under apartheid
he can't control his anger
These are all excuses!!!
We all experience trauma, stress, anger and fear, but an abusive man CHOOSES to abuse as a way of dealing with his pain or problems. He uses excuses to avoid taking responsibility for his behaviour. Frequently, he tries to blame the woman for the abuse by saying that she is a bad partner, a bad mother, that she provokes him or asks for it. Because it is hard to live with him, he tries to make her feel that she would not survive without him. He needs her to believe that she is bad and stay dependent on him. He can control his violence, but he chooses to control her instead.
There is NO acceptable excuse for abuse!
The abuser is the only person responsible for the abuse, and he is the only person who can make it stop.
Why Do Abused Women Stay?
Perhaps the most common myth about woman abuse is that "it can't be that bad, or she'd leave." In reality, there are many practical and emotional factors that compel women to stay with men who abuse them:
Economic and Legal Factors:
financial dependence on the abuser
lack of employment or skills
fear of being unable to support the children and not receiving maintenance
fear of losing custody of the children
lack of alternative accommodation
lack of knowledge of the law and her rights
lack of faith in the police, often based on bad experiences with police in the past
Isolation
the abuser may forbid her to see people or attack her when she tries to reach out
he may threaten to harm people she cares for
people she turns to for help may not believe her or may blame her for what's happening
Emotional Factors:
love, pity or sorrow for her partner
belief or hope that the abuser will change
belief that she can make the abuse stop if she tries hard enough
fear of the unknown
fear of not being able to cope on her own
fear that the abuser may kill her if she leaves or refuses to withdraw the charge
numb to the abuse (usually when there has been a history of childhood abuse)
low self-esteem; feelings of worthlessness; belief that she deserves the abuse
paralysis caused by fear
Societal Factors:
shame and embarrassment about the abuse
desire to protect her partner, parents, children or other loved ones from the shame involved
belief that the children need their father
fear that she will not be believed or helped by the police, her family, or the community
lack of support from friends, family and others
religious or cultural values
The Cycle of Violence
An abuser usually goes through three clear, repeating stages in his behviour. This cycle of violence is important in keeping the woman in the relationship because the abuser is alternately kind and abusive.
As the relationship progresses, the abusive stage usually becomes more severe, and the cycle gets shorter, making the abuse more frequent. Some abusers never enter the honeymoon stage. They never feel sorry for what they do.
What Can an Abused Woman Do?
Ask family or friends for support
Go for counselling for yourself
Lay a charge of assault with the police
Get a Prevention of Family Violence Act Interdict at the local Magistrate's Court
Call a family meeting
Ask a supportive religious leader to intervene
Move out temporarily
Make plans to go: arrange housing, set money aside, seek employment, pack essentials
Get a divorce
Go to a shelter
Contact a women's organisation for help, support and legal advice if you need more information about any of these options
What Can the Community Do?
Intervene if you witness behaviour that you believe is violent or abusive
Inform yourself and other people about woman abuse; arrange a talk for your school, union, church or community group
Lobby the police and government for better services for abused women
Listen to and believe a woman who confides in you; ask her how you can help and what she needs to feel safer
Respect that any information an abused woman gives you is confidential
Support the right of all women to live in safety
Helping a Woman Who is Being Abused
If you know or suspect that a woman is being abused, you may be unsure of how best to help her. This article you some tips for recognising abuse, and guidelines for helping women who are in abusive relationships.
What is Abuse?
Abuse is any pattern of behaviour that controls another person, causes physical harms or fear, makes someone do things they do not want to do, or prevents them from doing things they do want to do. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, material or financial. Abused women usually experience multiple forms of abuse.
Possible Warning Signs of Abuse
Frequent or repetitive physical injuries with poor or inconsistent explanations
Avoiding going home or reluctant to do so
Rushing home after work or social events
Excessive privacy about her personal life
Chequered work history
Exceptional nervousness, jumpiness or fear
Low self-esteem
Refusal to socialise
Cutting off contact with family and friends
Wearing clothes that seem intended to cover injuries: dark glasses, hats, scarves, polonecks, or long sleeves, especially in warm weather
None of these signs by themselves mean that a woman is definitely being abused, but if you notice several of them, you may have cause to be concerned.
Abused Women's Survival Strategies
Battered women develop extraordinary ways of surviving the abuse. Others rarely understand these strategies because they seem unhelpful from outside the relationship. Often, a woman's survival strategies are used to reinforce the myths around battery and blame her for the abuse.
Denial or Minimising and Making Light of the Abuse: pretending that the abuse isn't happening because it's too overwhelming to face what it means in her life
Learning Not to Fight Back: fighting often escalates violence and causes her more harm
Substance Abuse: can help her numb the pain
Suicidal Thoughts or Acts: may be the only "out" or safety valve she can see
Paralysis: not doing anything because whatever she does leads to more abuse
Fear of Intervention From Outsiders (includes her refusing to contact the police or withdrawing charges): people who do not understand the situation often end up making it worse
Trying to Please The Abuser, Walking on Eggshells, playing "Superwoman": attempting to prevent violent outbreaks
Belief in Her Own Inferiority: The abuser insists that she accept his opinions and be submissive, passive, and indecisive. He needs her to be dependent and subservient so he can feel in control. If she is not, he is likely to become violent.
While these strategies can keep her alive, they also make it very hard for her to leave the relationship. Help her see the ways in which she is strong, capable and deserving, and be patient with her while she learns new ways of relating to people.
Why Won't She Leave?
At some point, you may find it difficult to continuing supporting the woman if she remains in the abusive relationship, goes back to the abuser, or withdraws charges from the police. Try to understand what's holding her in the relationship or preventing her from seeking help:
Economic and Legal Factors:
financial dependence on the abuser
lack of employment or skills
fear of being unable to support the children and not receiving maintenance
fear of losing custody of the children
lack of alternative accommodation
lack of knowledge of the law and her rights
lack of faith in the police, often based on bad experiences with police in the past
Isolation:
the abuser may forbid her to see people or attack her when she tries to reach out
he may threaten to harm people she cares for
people she turns to for help may not believe her or may blame her for what's happening
Emotional Factors:
love, pity or sorrow for her partner
belief or hope that the abuser will change
fear or not being able to cope on her own
fear that the abuser may kill her if she leaves or refuses to withdraw the charge
desensitisation to the abuse (usually when there has been a history of childhood abuse)
low self-esteem; feelings of worthlessness; belief that she deserves the abuse
paralysis caused by fear
Societal Factors:
shame and embarrassment about the abuse
desire to protect her partner, parents, children or other loved ones from the shame involved
belief that the children need their father
fear that she will not be believed or helped by the police, her family, or the community
lack of support from friends, family and others
religious or cultural values
There are Many Ways You Can Help
Educate Yourself
Learn all you can about battery and woman abuse and make sure you read the accompanying pamphlet "Myths and Misconceptions about Battery". You will not be able to help a battered woman effectively unless you are well informed. You must understand and believe that the abuse is not her fault. Only the abuser is responsible for the abuse. NOBODY else is to blame.
Listen to Her
Let the woman know that you care and are willing to listen. Don't force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Believe her. Take her feelings and fears seriously, and validate her experience of the abuse. Do not make her feel that other considerations, such as the children, are more important than she is. Never blame her for what's happening.
Let Her Make Her Own Decisions
Don't try to rescue or save her by trying to get her out of the abusive relationship. She needs to learn to believe in her own ability to find solutions. You can't know what is best for her. Allow her the right and dignity to make her own choices. Trust her to make the right choices for herself. Tell her that you trust her. Tell her that you believe in her strengths, her capacity to survive, her abilities and her courage.
Encourage Her to Break the Isolation
Make sure she is no longer cut off from the community. Let her know that she is not alone. Share information you have about places like POWA where she can go for help. Assure her that the information she gives to any women's organisation will be strictly confidential. Remember that not all helping professionals are aware of the special circumstances of abused women. If the first person she talks to is unhelpful or blames her, encourage her to get help elsewhere.
Focus on Her Strengths
Remember that the woman has probably been emotionally abused and continually told that she is a bad wife, mother and person. Focus on her strengths and abilities. Look at what she has done to survive emotionally and physically. Give her credit for her coping mechanisms. She has survived a lot with much of herself intact and able to seek help. Support the choices she makes to show her that you believe in her strength.
Encourage Her to See the Danger and Tell Her that She Does Not Have To Live With It
Tell her that she has a right to a life free of abuse. Tell her that the battering is not her fault - she does not deserve to be beaten. The abuser is responsible for the abuse. Let her know that not everybody lives with abuse and that she is suffering physical and emotional harm. This is not to make her feel guiltier than she already does, but to confront her with the real danger she may well be in. Express concern for her safety and give her information about places like POWA where she can go for help. Never minimise threats made by the abuser. Remember that most women who are killed by their partners are killed when they try to leave.
Help Her Develop a Safety Plan
Encourage the woman to make a safety plan to protect herself and her children. Help her think through steps she will take if the abuser becomes violent again. She can arrange with a friend or neighbour that a certain signal with her phone or lights means she needs help. She may want to hide a bag with few clothes, money, keys, ID documents, etc., so that she can grab it quickly if she must go. If she must leave in an emergency, she should try to take the children with her; this will help in later custody decisions.
Follow Through on Your Offers
Don't offer or promise her things unless you're certain you can follow through. She needs people in her life who are consistent and dependable. Think carefully about what you are willing and able to give her before you tell her she can call you any time to come and fetch her, or that she can live with you as long as she needs to, etc. On the other hand, if are you certain you can make such offers, do so.
What is Abuse?
Abuse is any pattern of behaviour that controls another person, causes physical harms or fear, makes someone do things they do not want to do, or prevents them from doing things they do want to do. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, material or financial. Abused women usually experience multiple forms of abuse.
Possible Warning Signs of Abuse
Frequent or repetitive physical injuries with poor or inconsistent explanations
Avoiding going home or reluctant to do so
Rushing home after work or social events
Excessive privacy about her personal life
Chequered work history
Exceptional nervousness, jumpiness or fear
Low self-esteem
Refusal to socialise
Cutting off contact with family and friends
Wearing clothes that seem intended to cover injuries: dark glasses, hats, scarves, polonecks, or long sleeves, especially in warm weather
None of these signs by themselves mean that a woman is definitely being abused, but if you notice several of them, you may have cause to be concerned.
Abused Women's Survival Strategies
Battered women develop extraordinary ways of surviving the abuse. Others rarely understand these strategies because they seem unhelpful from outside the relationship. Often, a woman's survival strategies are used to reinforce the myths around battery and blame her for the abuse.
Denial or Minimising and Making Light of the Abuse: pretending that the abuse isn't happening because it's too overwhelming to face what it means in her life
Learning Not to Fight Back: fighting often escalates violence and causes her more harm
Substance Abuse: can help her numb the pain
Suicidal Thoughts or Acts: may be the only "out" or safety valve she can see
Paralysis: not doing anything because whatever she does leads to more abuse
Fear of Intervention From Outsiders (includes her refusing to contact the police or withdrawing charges): people who do not understand the situation often end up making it worse
Trying to Please The Abuser, Walking on Eggshells, playing "Superwoman": attempting to prevent violent outbreaks
Belief in Her Own Inferiority: The abuser insists that she accept his opinions and be submissive, passive, and indecisive. He needs her to be dependent and subservient so he can feel in control. If she is not, he is likely to become violent.
While these strategies can keep her alive, they also make it very hard for her to leave the relationship. Help her see the ways in which she is strong, capable and deserving, and be patient with her while she learns new ways of relating to people.
Why Won't She Leave?
At some point, you may find it difficult to continuing supporting the woman if she remains in the abusive relationship, goes back to the abuser, or withdraws charges from the police. Try to understand what's holding her in the relationship or preventing her from seeking help:
Economic and Legal Factors:
financial dependence on the abuser
lack of employment or skills
fear of being unable to support the children and not receiving maintenance
fear of losing custody of the children
lack of alternative accommodation
lack of knowledge of the law and her rights
lack of faith in the police, often based on bad experiences with police in the past
Isolation:
the abuser may forbid her to see people or attack her when she tries to reach out
he may threaten to harm people she cares for
people she turns to for help may not believe her or may blame her for what's happening
Emotional Factors:
love, pity or sorrow for her partner
belief or hope that the abuser will change
fear or not being able to cope on her own
fear that the abuser may kill her if she leaves or refuses to withdraw the charge
desensitisation to the abuse (usually when there has been a history of childhood abuse)
low self-esteem; feelings of worthlessness; belief that she deserves the abuse
paralysis caused by fear
Societal Factors:
shame and embarrassment about the abuse
desire to protect her partner, parents, children or other loved ones from the shame involved
belief that the children need their father
fear that she will not be believed or helped by the police, her family, or the community
lack of support from friends, family and others
religious or cultural values
There are Many Ways You Can Help
Educate Yourself
Learn all you can about battery and woman abuse and make sure you read the accompanying pamphlet "Myths and Misconceptions about Battery". You will not be able to help a battered woman effectively unless you are well informed. You must understand and believe that the abuse is not her fault. Only the abuser is responsible for the abuse. NOBODY else is to blame.
Listen to Her
Let the woman know that you care and are willing to listen. Don't force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Believe her. Take her feelings and fears seriously, and validate her experience of the abuse. Do not make her feel that other considerations, such as the children, are more important than she is. Never blame her for what's happening.
Let Her Make Her Own Decisions
Don't try to rescue or save her by trying to get her out of the abusive relationship. She needs to learn to believe in her own ability to find solutions. You can't know what is best for her. Allow her the right and dignity to make her own choices. Trust her to make the right choices for herself. Tell her that you trust her. Tell her that you believe in her strengths, her capacity to survive, her abilities and her courage.
Encourage Her to Break the Isolation
Make sure she is no longer cut off from the community. Let her know that she is not alone. Share information you have about places like POWA where she can go for help. Assure her that the information she gives to any women's organisation will be strictly confidential. Remember that not all helping professionals are aware of the special circumstances of abused women. If the first person she talks to is unhelpful or blames her, encourage her to get help elsewhere.
Focus on Her Strengths
Remember that the woman has probably been emotionally abused and continually told that she is a bad wife, mother and person. Focus on her strengths and abilities. Look at what she has done to survive emotionally and physically. Give her credit for her coping mechanisms. She has survived a lot with much of herself intact and able to seek help. Support the choices she makes to show her that you believe in her strength.
Encourage Her to See the Danger and Tell Her that She Does Not Have To Live With It
Tell her that she has a right to a life free of abuse. Tell her that the battering is not her fault - she does not deserve to be beaten. The abuser is responsible for the abuse. Let her know that not everybody lives with abuse and that she is suffering physical and emotional harm. This is not to make her feel guiltier than she already does, but to confront her with the real danger she may well be in. Express concern for her safety and give her information about places like POWA where she can go for help. Never minimise threats made by the abuser. Remember that most women who are killed by their partners are killed when they try to leave.
Help Her Develop a Safety Plan
Encourage the woman to make a safety plan to protect herself and her children. Help her think through steps she will take if the abuser becomes violent again. She can arrange with a friend or neighbour that a certain signal with her phone or lights means she needs help. She may want to hide a bag with few clothes, money, keys, ID documents, etc., so that she can grab it quickly if she must go. If she must leave in an emergency, she should try to take the children with her; this will help in later custody decisions.
Follow Through on Your Offers
Don't offer or promise her things unless you're certain you can follow through. She needs people in her life who are consistent and dependable. Think carefully about what you are willing and able to give her before you tell her she can call you any time to come and fetch her, or that she can live with you as long as she needs to, etc. On the other hand, if are you certain you can make such offers, do so.
37 pc Indian women face domestic violence
Over 37 per cent married women in India were victims of physical or sexual abuse by their husbands with Bihar topping the list.
Women in Himachal Pradesh faced less violence at home compared to other states in the country.
The latest National Family Health Survey-III found that 37.2 per cent women had experienced violence and cited lack of education as the key reason behind their woes.
"Women with no education were much more likely than other women to have suffered spousal violence. However, spousal abuse also extends to women who have secondary or higher secondary level education, with 16 per cent reporting abuse," the survey said.
The survey showed that countrywide more women face violence in rural areas (40.2) as compared to those in the urban areas (30.4).
In Bihar, women in urban areas fared worse than those in rural areas. While 62.2 per cent underwent the trauma in urban areas, it was 58.5 per cent women in villages. It is followed by Rajasthan (46.3) Madhya Pradesh (45.8), Tripura (44.1), Manipur (43.9), Uttar Pradesh (42.4), Tamil Nadu (41.9), West Bengal (40.3) and Arunachal Pradesh (38.8).
Among the metros, the fairer sex was better off in Delhi (16.3) and Mumbai (19.5) recorded relatively low percentage as compared to Chennai (40.6) and Kolkata (26.7).
Nearly, 17 per cent women in Goa have experienced violence, with 17.2 women in rural areas at the receiving end as compared to 16.4 per cent women in urban areas.
In Chhattisgarh, a total of 30 per cent women suffered at the hands of their husbands, while in Jharkhand, the figure was 37 per cent. About 40.8 per cent women in Jharkhand villages found the going tough as compared to 24.6 per cent in the urban areas.
In the hill state of Uttarakhand, nearly 28 per cent women experienced violence, with those in villages (29.8) fared worse than their urban counterparts (22.8).
After Himachal Pradesh, women fared relatively better in Jammu and Kashmir (12.6), Meghalaya (13.1), Nagaland (15.4), Sikkim (16.5) and Kerala (16.4).
Other states where women find themselves vulnerable are Assam (39.6), Arunachal Pradesh (38.8), Orissa (38.5), Maharashtra (30.7), Andhra Pradesh (35.2), Haryana (27.3), Gujarat (27.6) Punjab (25.4), Mizoram (22.5) and Karnataka (20).
Women in Himachal Pradesh faced less violence at home compared to other states in the country.
The latest National Family Health Survey-III found that 37.2 per cent women had experienced violence and cited lack of education as the key reason behind their woes.
"Women with no education were much more likely than other women to have suffered spousal violence. However, spousal abuse also extends to women who have secondary or higher secondary level education, with 16 per cent reporting abuse," the survey said.
The survey showed that countrywide more women face violence in rural areas (40.2) as compared to those in the urban areas (30.4).
In Bihar, women in urban areas fared worse than those in rural areas. While 62.2 per cent underwent the trauma in urban areas, it was 58.5 per cent women in villages. It is followed by Rajasthan (46.3) Madhya Pradesh (45.8), Tripura (44.1), Manipur (43.9), Uttar Pradesh (42.4), Tamil Nadu (41.9), West Bengal (40.3) and Arunachal Pradesh (38.8).
Among the metros, the fairer sex was better off in Delhi (16.3) and Mumbai (19.5) recorded relatively low percentage as compared to Chennai (40.6) and Kolkata (26.7).
Nearly, 17 per cent women in Goa have experienced violence, with 17.2 women in rural areas at the receiving end as compared to 16.4 per cent women in urban areas.
In Chhattisgarh, a total of 30 per cent women suffered at the hands of their husbands, while in Jharkhand, the figure was 37 per cent. About 40.8 per cent women in Jharkhand villages found the going tough as compared to 24.6 per cent in the urban areas.
In the hill state of Uttarakhand, nearly 28 per cent women experienced violence, with those in villages (29.8) fared worse than their urban counterparts (22.8).
After Himachal Pradesh, women fared relatively better in Jammu and Kashmir (12.6), Meghalaya (13.1), Nagaland (15.4), Sikkim (16.5) and Kerala (16.4).
Other states where women find themselves vulnerable are Assam (39.6), Arunachal Pradesh (38.8), Orissa (38.5), Maharashtra (30.7), Andhra Pradesh (35.2), Haryana (27.3), Gujarat (27.6) Punjab (25.4), Mizoram (22.5) and Karnataka (20).
Women Abuse in America-My true story
Sita (not her real name) came to the US on a fiancée visa, after getting engaged to a man her parents, back home in India, thought suitable. Little did this conventional Indian girl, who could not even speak much English, expect that her fiancé would demand oral sex soon after she arrived. When she refused, he began beating her. His parents, who were also in the US and knew what was happening, looked the other way. Finally, her Indian Gods helped her: a friend she met at a temple introduced her to a voluntary organisation helping abused women in the US. They rescued her.
Asma, 30, is a doctor who has been educated in the US. A few years ago, she entered into an arranged marriage with Rajiv, a handsome, bright and charismatic doctor in India. The happy couple returned to the US. They even had two children. Gradually, Rajiv started getting sexually, physically and emotionally abusive. He would force her to watch pornography and perform sexual acts she was not comfortable with. He began getting angry at small things and behaved in frightening ways -- throwing things at her, breaking plates and glasses. Asma tried sharing her trauma with her colleagues, but they dismissed her concern. They had always seen Rajiv behave as the perfect gentleman. Asma realised that, even if she wanted to leave the marriage, she could not. Rajiv had full control of their bank accounts and her paychecks.
Asma and Sita may be representative of two kinds of women on opposite ends of the scale: the independent professional and the dependent wife or fiancée. But they are still victims of violence, abused by the very men who are supposed to be their protectors.
It is, however, the women who come to the US as dependents who see, by far, the worst end of the stick.
"Most of our cases are women who have come in on H4 visas," says Shaila Kelkar, services co-ordinator, Asian Women's Self-Help Association. "They are the dependent wives of H1B visa holders." In 2001, for example, over 50 per cent of the South Asian women survivors and clients ASHA saw were on H4 dependent spouse visas.
The typical H4 visa wife is usually young, between 23-30 years old and a recent migrant. Both husband and wife are educated, married for somewhere between three months to a few years, and either have infants or no children.
For these women, health, legal, financial and housing options are extremely limited. Many of them are highly qualified doctors or computer professionals, but are unable to work legally, unless they obtain sponsorship from an employer. Economic dependence prevents these women from breaking free. Besides, they are not able to access public benefits, and emergency shelter stays are limited.
There is now a new provision in the Violence Against Women Act, the U visa, which can help abused women. But many of them do not know about it or are too scared to call the police.
Citizens or green card holders do not face these particular problems but, many times, are still too traumatised to attempt escape the abuse.
"There are no statistics of domestic violence against Indian women in the US, because not much formal attention has been paid to the South Asian community in the broader academia here," says Soniya Munshi, programme director of Manavi, a South Asian women's organization located in New Jersey. "We can try to quantify this problem only by looking at individual case loads from individual agencies. At Manavi, for example, we get over 300 calls each year from women who are experiencing some form of violence."
Daya Inc, a voluntary organisation serving South Asian victims of violence and abuse in the greater Houston area of Texas, receives about 250 calls a year, half of which are from abused women.
"It is not too hard to find the reasons why such abuse occurs," says Lakshmy Parameswaran, founder and current president of Daya. "Look at the way boys are raised in any culture, especially eastern cultures. We teach them that they are superior and have a right to get what they want, even if it means using violence to get it. How many times have we heard these phrases uttered to boys and men: ‘Don't cry like a girl, be a man; Don't be afraid of a woman, just put her in her place.' Then we wonder why an educated, cultured boy would hit his wife or girlfriend! Once this kind of attitude towards women sets in, no amount of college education can erase it. Besides, the process of immigration and acculturation can put additional stress on a relationship. The pressures of ‘making it' in the US, coupled with easy access to alcohol and the absence of extended family support, may exacerbate a potentially violent relationship."
Counsellors notice definite patterns of violence amongst the Indian community in the US. "Keeping the women in extreme isolation [no calls home to parents, no letters or access to the mailbox] and threats of jail and deportation are some typical forms of wife abuse practised by Indian immigrant men here," says Anuradha Sharma, who used to be executive director of ASHA. "Some men have even resorted to not providing money or food, forcing abortions on their wives or abusing them during pregnancy to try to abort the female foetus.
"We also see cases of abandonment: Indian men from here go to India, get married, enjoy the royal treatment, take the dowry, sleep with their new wives and then simply never send for them, leaving them pregnant or dishonoured, with shattered hopes and dreams and devastated parents and families. Then, they usually send divorce or annulment papers. If they do manage to bring their wives here, they may abandon them after a short time or abuse them so badly, treat them like servants, that the women live in constant fear and pain."
The fear of isolation also prevents women from speaking out. Many women have lost the support of their communities because of the steps they have taken to end abusive home situations. Shakti, 35, for example, is a successful corporate lawyer who walked out of her 12-year-old love marriage. Her parents do not believe her when says she left her husband because she could not endure his beatings any longer. In the third year of a tough custody battle, she does not know whether she will be able to keep her two small children. She does not dare leave them with their father; she suspects her daughter was sexually molested by her ex-husband but is afraid to ask her and find out the truth.
Ironically, women's shelters report that it is when a woman begins to stand up for herself and perhaps tries to leave the relationship, or even call the police, that she is in the greatest danger. It is then that the abuser's power and control over his wife is threatened. That can make him more violent and he may threaten her with death if she leaves.
Asma, 30, is a doctor who has been educated in the US. A few years ago, she entered into an arranged marriage with Rajiv, a handsome, bright and charismatic doctor in India. The happy couple returned to the US. They even had two children. Gradually, Rajiv started getting sexually, physically and emotionally abusive. He would force her to watch pornography and perform sexual acts she was not comfortable with. He began getting angry at small things and behaved in frightening ways -- throwing things at her, breaking plates and glasses. Asma tried sharing her trauma with her colleagues, but they dismissed her concern. They had always seen Rajiv behave as the perfect gentleman. Asma realised that, even if she wanted to leave the marriage, she could not. Rajiv had full control of their bank accounts and her paychecks.
Asma and Sita may be representative of two kinds of women on opposite ends of the scale: the independent professional and the dependent wife or fiancée. But they are still victims of violence, abused by the very men who are supposed to be their protectors.
It is, however, the women who come to the US as dependents who see, by far, the worst end of the stick.
"Most of our cases are women who have come in on H4 visas," says Shaila Kelkar, services co-ordinator, Asian Women's Self-Help Association. "They are the dependent wives of H1B visa holders." In 2001, for example, over 50 per cent of the South Asian women survivors and clients ASHA saw were on H4 dependent spouse visas.
The typical H4 visa wife is usually young, between 23-30 years old and a recent migrant. Both husband and wife are educated, married for somewhere between three months to a few years, and either have infants or no children.
For these women, health, legal, financial and housing options are extremely limited. Many of them are highly qualified doctors or computer professionals, but are unable to work legally, unless they obtain sponsorship from an employer. Economic dependence prevents these women from breaking free. Besides, they are not able to access public benefits, and emergency shelter stays are limited.
There is now a new provision in the Violence Against Women Act, the U visa, which can help abused women. But many of them do not know about it or are too scared to call the police.
Citizens or green card holders do not face these particular problems but, many times, are still too traumatised to attempt escape the abuse.
"There are no statistics of domestic violence against Indian women in the US, because not much formal attention has been paid to the South Asian community in the broader academia here," says Soniya Munshi, programme director of Manavi, a South Asian women's organization located in New Jersey. "We can try to quantify this problem only by looking at individual case loads from individual agencies. At Manavi, for example, we get over 300 calls each year from women who are experiencing some form of violence."
Daya Inc, a voluntary organisation serving South Asian victims of violence and abuse in the greater Houston area of Texas, receives about 250 calls a year, half of which are from abused women.
"It is not too hard to find the reasons why such abuse occurs," says Lakshmy Parameswaran, founder and current president of Daya. "Look at the way boys are raised in any culture, especially eastern cultures. We teach them that they are superior and have a right to get what they want, even if it means using violence to get it. How many times have we heard these phrases uttered to boys and men: ‘Don't cry like a girl, be a man; Don't be afraid of a woman, just put her in her place.' Then we wonder why an educated, cultured boy would hit his wife or girlfriend! Once this kind of attitude towards women sets in, no amount of college education can erase it. Besides, the process of immigration and acculturation can put additional stress on a relationship. The pressures of ‘making it' in the US, coupled with easy access to alcohol and the absence of extended family support, may exacerbate a potentially violent relationship."
Counsellors notice definite patterns of violence amongst the Indian community in the US. "Keeping the women in extreme isolation [no calls home to parents, no letters or access to the mailbox] and threats of jail and deportation are some typical forms of wife abuse practised by Indian immigrant men here," says Anuradha Sharma, who used to be executive director of ASHA. "Some men have even resorted to not providing money or food, forcing abortions on their wives or abusing them during pregnancy to try to abort the female foetus.
"We also see cases of abandonment: Indian men from here go to India, get married, enjoy the royal treatment, take the dowry, sleep with their new wives and then simply never send for them, leaving them pregnant or dishonoured, with shattered hopes and dreams and devastated parents and families. Then, they usually send divorce or annulment papers. If they do manage to bring their wives here, they may abandon them after a short time or abuse them so badly, treat them like servants, that the women live in constant fear and pain."
The fear of isolation also prevents women from speaking out. Many women have lost the support of their communities because of the steps they have taken to end abusive home situations. Shakti, 35, for example, is a successful corporate lawyer who walked out of her 12-year-old love marriage. Her parents do not believe her when says she left her husband because she could not endure his beatings any longer. In the third year of a tough custody battle, she does not know whether she will be able to keep her two small children. She does not dare leave them with their father; she suspects her daughter was sexually molested by her ex-husband but is afraid to ask her and find out the truth.
Ironically, women's shelters report that it is when a woman begins to stand up for herself and perhaps tries to leave the relationship, or even call the police, that she is in the greatest danger. It is then that the abuser's power and control over his wife is threatened. That can make him more violent and he may threaten her with death if she leaves.
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