More needs to be done to challenge and change the social structures that allow women and children to be abused in the first place. For example, women are still often denied power or resources because they are women. As long as this continues, violence against women will too.
Many prevention programs focus on helping people who have been abused to not be abused again. We need to address the root causes of violence as well, and take measures to improve the position of women and children in society.
How you can make a difference
Here are some things you can do to help build an abuse-free community:
Support organizations that help people deal with violence
This could include your local women's shelter, advocacy centre or child protection agency.
Your support could improve the help that is available and how quickly they get it.
Support parenting and school programs that look at teacher training and curriculum.
All children must learn from an early age that oppression and violence of any kind are not acceptable.
This is more possible if they learn in school not to be sexist, racist, or homophobic (anti-gay).
Explore positive ways to discipline children
Seek ways to punish them that aren't physical. Be aware that other ways you deal with your children can affect them emotionally. For example, children get strong messages from the way you speak to them.
Expose them to positive, caring kinds of physical touch. That way they will know the difference if they are being abused.
Talk openly with your children about abuse
How you talk to them may depend on their age. Tell them that they have a right to be free from abuse of any kind from anyone. This includes family members.
Challenge stereotypes of women and families in the media.
Organize your community to demand that there be less violence on television.
Speak out against human rights violations of any kind.
It's important for children to see adults around them who will not tolerate any type of violence. This can be either personal, or violence that's part of the larger system. No one deserves to be abused, no matter what their gender, age, race, culture, religious faith, sexual orientation, or ability.
Get help for yourself if you use physical force to control anyone in your life.
The United Nations has declared 2000-2010 the Decade of Non-Violence. We can all start now working in our own homes and communities to stop violence against women and children.
What is known about the abuse of older adults?
It is hard to find reliable information on this type of abuse. It is impossible to compare what studies have found. This is partly because each study defines the age group differently. They may also define abuse differently.
Still, there is some information available. It is known that most victims are mentally competent and do not need constant care. Also, those who have mental or physical disabilities are at greater risk.
Why do many older adults not report abuse?
Probably more older adults are abused than we know. This is because many hesitate to tell anyone. Many do not take any action against their abusers.
There are many reasons for this. An older adult who is being abused may:
be embarrassed or ashamed
be afraid of what the abuser will do to them if they report the abuse
feel that the police and social services cannot really help them
fear being rejected by loved ones
worry that they will be put in an institution.
Who is likely to cause this abuse?
Most often the abuser is a family member or someone the person knows and trusts. For example, in one study more than half of older men were abused by their adult children. For older women, it was most often a spouse (42%) or their children (37%).
When an older person suffers violence from a family member, it is most likely by the children. This was true in almost half the cases. In more than eight out of ten cases, sons committed these crimes. An older person can also be abused by:
A landlord
Staff in a facility
Anyone working for them.
How do I recognize abuse of older adults?
Older adults who are abused may:
Be depressed, fearful or anxious
Seem more passive than normal
Have injuries that aren't explained
Look like they aren't eating or getting enough fluids
Have poor hygiene, rashes or sores
Look like they are on too much medication.
There are other signs of abuse of older adults. For example, if money or personal items go missing for no reason, it may be because of abuse.
No one should jump to conclusions. Still, we need to take signs and symptoms seriously. Someone could just be neglecting themselves. But it could also turn out to be abuse.
An abused older person often needs the same type of support as an abused woman. Go to Question #4 to learn about specific ways you can help.
Still, there is some information available. It is known that most victims are mentally competent and do not need constant care. Also, those who have mental or physical disabilities are at greater risk.
Why do many older adults not report abuse?
Probably more older adults are abused than we know. This is because many hesitate to tell anyone. Many do not take any action against their abusers.
There are many reasons for this. An older adult who is being abused may:
be embarrassed or ashamed
be afraid of what the abuser will do to them if they report the abuse
feel that the police and social services cannot really help them
fear being rejected by loved ones
worry that they will be put in an institution.
Who is likely to cause this abuse?
Most often the abuser is a family member or someone the person knows and trusts. For example, in one study more than half of older men were abused by their adult children. For older women, it was most often a spouse (42%) or their children (37%).
When an older person suffers violence from a family member, it is most likely by the children. This was true in almost half the cases. In more than eight out of ten cases, sons committed these crimes. An older person can also be abused by:
A landlord
Staff in a facility
Anyone working for them.
How do I recognize abuse of older adults?
Older adults who are abused may:
Be depressed, fearful or anxious
Seem more passive than normal
Have injuries that aren't explained
Look like they aren't eating or getting enough fluids
Have poor hygiene, rashes or sores
Look like they are on too much medication.
There are other signs of abuse of older adults. For example, if money or personal items go missing for no reason, it may be because of abuse.
No one should jump to conclusions. Still, we need to take signs and symptoms seriously. Someone could just be neglecting themselves. But it could also turn out to be abuse.
An abused older person often needs the same type of support as an abused woman. Go to Question #4 to learn about specific ways you can help.
What is abuse of older adults?
A simple definition is that an older adult is mistreated by someone:
who they trust
who has power over them
who is responsible for their care.
Abuse of older adults is also called "elder abuse" or "abuse of seniors." Older people can be abused in their own homes. They may also be abused in institutions. Examples are nursing homes, group homes or rooming houses.
Older women are also abused by their partners. Recent studies suggest that this abuse continues as they age.
What forms does abuse of older adults take?
Here are some specific ways that older adults can be abused.
Physical abuse
This can mean causing someone to be physically uncomfortable. It can also mean hurting or injuring them. Someone is abusing an older adult when they:
slap, beat or burn them
give them too much or too little medication
handle them roughly
keep them confined, or use restraints to keep them from moving.
Psychological abuse
Psychological abuse decreases an older person's sense of who they are. It also harms their dignity and self-worth. Someone is committing this abuse when they:
swear, yell or call someone names
insult or threaten them
imitate or make fun of them
give them the "silent treatment", or refuse to talk to them in their mother tongue
make them feel they are "just too much trouble", or treat them like a child
threaten to take away services they need.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse of older persons is generally ignored because people don't think of them as being sexually active. It can range from fondling to sexual assault by partners or caregivers.
Financial abuse
Financial abuse involves misusing an older person's money or property. A person is abusing someone in this way when they:
steal an older person's money or possessions
forge a signature on pension cheques or legal documents
misuse the Power of Attorney
force or trick an older adult into selling or giving away their property.
Neglect
Neglect means refusing to meet the needs of an older adult who cannot meet those needs on their own. A caregiver is neglecting someone when they:
deny someone their basic needs (food, water, medical treatment, nursing services, clothing and visitors)
refuse to help them dress, bathe or go to the toilet.
prevent someone from using important things they need like glasses, a cane, hearing aids or a wheelchair.
Neglect can also mean taking away a person's right to make decisions about their own life and health. This can include taking away their right to refuse service or treatment.
who they trust
who has power over them
who is responsible for their care.
Abuse of older adults is also called "elder abuse" or "abuse of seniors." Older people can be abused in their own homes. They may also be abused in institutions. Examples are nursing homes, group homes or rooming houses.
Older women are also abused by their partners. Recent studies suggest that this abuse continues as they age.
What forms does abuse of older adults take?
Here are some specific ways that older adults can be abused.
Physical abuse
This can mean causing someone to be physically uncomfortable. It can also mean hurting or injuring them. Someone is abusing an older adult when they:
slap, beat or burn them
give them too much or too little medication
handle them roughly
keep them confined, or use restraints to keep them from moving.
Psychological abuse
Psychological abuse decreases an older person's sense of who they are. It also harms their dignity and self-worth. Someone is committing this abuse when they:
swear, yell or call someone names
insult or threaten them
imitate or make fun of them
give them the "silent treatment", or refuse to talk to them in their mother tongue
make them feel they are "just too much trouble", or treat them like a child
threaten to take away services they need.
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse of older persons is generally ignored because people don't think of them as being sexually active. It can range from fondling to sexual assault by partners or caregivers.
Financial abuse
Financial abuse involves misusing an older person's money or property. A person is abusing someone in this way when they:
steal an older person's money or possessions
forge a signature on pension cheques or legal documents
misuse the Power of Attorney
force or trick an older adult into selling or giving away their property.
Neglect
Neglect means refusing to meet the needs of an older adult who cannot meet those needs on their own. A caregiver is neglecting someone when they:
deny someone their basic needs (food, water, medical treatment, nursing services, clothing and visitors)
refuse to help them dress, bathe or go to the toilet.
prevent someone from using important things they need like glasses, a cane, hearing aids or a wheelchair.
Neglect can also mean taking away a person's right to make decisions about their own life and health. This can include taking away their right to refuse service or treatment.
What should I do if I suspect child abuse?
Should I tell someone?
In most parts of Canada, the law says you must tell child protection authorities right away if you know or think that a child is being abused. If you are not sure whether to make a report, contact a local child protection service.
You can also turn to these services in your area:
Child welfare agency
Police department
Hospital
Distress centre
Other community agencies that work with children and families. There are many that work with specific cultural groups as well.
Many of these organizations are listed with the emergency telephone numbers near the first page of your telephone directory.
Reporting is not hard, and it doesn't take up a lot of time. You don't have to give your name. In all cases, you will be protected against any legal action. The only exception would be if you made the report falsely.
Why don't more people report child abuse?
People may not recognize its signs and symptoms. This is true of both professionals and non-professionals. Others may not understand that they do not need proof to make a report. They just need to have good reason to believe that abuse is happening or has happened.
Some people still believe that children are the property of their parents and that abuse in the family is a private matter. Also, caregivers often threaten children so they will not tell.
Several other factors make people hesitate to report abuse. For example, people may:
Feel that it is shameful and should be kept secret.
Deny that child abuse and neglect are harmful.
Fear what will happen if authorities get involved.
Not know how to go about reporting abuse or finding help.
Believe that children lie about being abused.
Children almost never lie about being abused. Studies have found that this only happens less than 1-2% of the time.
What can I say to a child who tells me about abuse?
If you suspect or find out that a child has been abused, you may be unsure of what to do. You may feel overwhelmed, and be afraid of saying the wrong thing.
It is important to leave the investigation up to police and the child welfare agency. However, there are some basic things you can do to help:
Reassure the child:
"I believe you."
"You are not alone."
"The abuse is not your fault."
"It's good that you told me. You did the right thing."
Explain what will happen next if possible:
"I have to share what you told me with some people. They can help you and your family."
Offer to stay with the child for support.
Children who want help can also call the Kids' Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868.
We each have a responsibility to the children in our communities. We owe it to them to respect and respond to their needs. One way to do this is to educate yourself about the different forms of abuse.
In most parts of Canada, the law says you must tell child protection authorities right away if you know or think that a child is being abused. If you are not sure whether to make a report, contact a local child protection service.
You can also turn to these services in your area:
Child welfare agency
Police department
Hospital
Distress centre
Other community agencies that work with children and families. There are many that work with specific cultural groups as well.
Many of these organizations are listed with the emergency telephone numbers near the first page of your telephone directory.
Reporting is not hard, and it doesn't take up a lot of time. You don't have to give your name. In all cases, you will be protected against any legal action. The only exception would be if you made the report falsely.
Why don't more people report child abuse?
People may not recognize its signs and symptoms. This is true of both professionals and non-professionals. Others may not understand that they do not need proof to make a report. They just need to have good reason to believe that abuse is happening or has happened.
Some people still believe that children are the property of their parents and that abuse in the family is a private matter. Also, caregivers often threaten children so they will not tell.
Several other factors make people hesitate to report abuse. For example, people may:
Feel that it is shameful and should be kept secret.
Deny that child abuse and neglect are harmful.
Fear what will happen if authorities get involved.
Not know how to go about reporting abuse or finding help.
Believe that children lie about being abused.
Children almost never lie about being abused. Studies have found that this only happens less than 1-2% of the time.
What can I say to a child who tells me about abuse?
If you suspect or find out that a child has been abused, you may be unsure of what to do. You may feel overwhelmed, and be afraid of saying the wrong thing.
It is important to leave the investigation up to police and the child welfare agency. However, there are some basic things you can do to help:
Reassure the child:
"I believe you."
"You are not alone."
"The abuse is not your fault."
"It's good that you told me. You did the right thing."
Explain what will happen next if possible:
"I have to share what you told me with some people. They can help you and your family."
Offer to stay with the child for support.
Children who want help can also call the Kids' Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868.
We each have a responsibility to the children in our communities. We owe it to them to respect and respond to their needs. One way to do this is to educate yourself about the different forms of abuse.
How common is child abuse
Child abuse is a common problem.
In the past ten years more and more people are reporting when they think a child is being abused or neglected. Also, police and child protection agencies are finding more children than ever who need protecting. Still, it is estimated that less than one in ten child abuse cases is ever reported to authorities.
It is hard to find reliable Canadian statistics on child abuse. The National Incidence Study on Child Abuse and Neglect (Health Canada) is currently underway. It will estimate the nature and extent of child abuse and neglect that has been reported.
Other groups have done studies over the years. The results from some of them are below. When viewed together they suggest just how common a problem child abuse is.
Child protection
In 1992, child protection authorities put about 40,000 Canadian children into foster care or other settings away from their home. In many of these cases, abuse was a factor.
In Ontario in 1993, Children's Aid Society investigated over 13,000 cases of child physical abuse. This is compared to 3,546 ten years earlier. Children 3 years old or younger are most often investigated for neglect. Children 12 to 15 years old are most often investigated for physical abuse.
Information on abusers
In a national study, abused women reported that their partners had also abused their children:
physically – 26% of the time
psychologically – 48% of the time
sexually – 7% of the time
Another study reported that almost all sexual abusers of both boys and girls are heterosexual males. Children know their abuser in over eight out of ten cases. More than four out of ten are fathers or father figures.
More than one in four lesbian, gay and bisexual youth go through violence at home after they tell their family about their sexuality.
Children with disabilities
Almost half the time that children with disabilities are abused, it is by someone they know through having a disability. One study found that more than half of boys who are deaf have been sexually abused. It is estimated that 5-10% of disabilities result from severe neglect. Violence is often involved as well.
Witnessing abuse
Over three in ten children who witness abuse are also physically abused themselves. Children witness between 40 - 80% of assaults on their mothers.
No matter how common it is, no child should have to deal with abuse of any kind
In the past ten years more and more people are reporting when they think a child is being abused or neglected. Also, police and child protection agencies are finding more children than ever who need protecting. Still, it is estimated that less than one in ten child abuse cases is ever reported to authorities.
It is hard to find reliable Canadian statistics on child abuse. The National Incidence Study on Child Abuse and Neglect (Health Canada) is currently underway. It will estimate the nature and extent of child abuse and neglect that has been reported.
Other groups have done studies over the years. The results from some of them are below. When viewed together they suggest just how common a problem child abuse is.
Child protection
In 1992, child protection authorities put about 40,000 Canadian children into foster care or other settings away from their home. In many of these cases, abuse was a factor.
In Ontario in 1993, Children's Aid Society investigated over 13,000 cases of child physical abuse. This is compared to 3,546 ten years earlier. Children 3 years old or younger are most often investigated for neglect. Children 12 to 15 years old are most often investigated for physical abuse.
Information on abusers
In a national study, abused women reported that their partners had also abused their children:
physically – 26% of the time
psychologically – 48% of the time
sexually – 7% of the time
Another study reported that almost all sexual abusers of both boys and girls are heterosexual males. Children know their abuser in over eight out of ten cases. More than four out of ten are fathers or father figures.
More than one in four lesbian, gay and bisexual youth go through violence at home after they tell their family about their sexuality.
Children with disabilities
Almost half the time that children with disabilities are abused, it is by someone they know through having a disability. One study found that more than half of boys who are deaf have been sexually abused. It is estimated that 5-10% of disabilities result from severe neglect. Violence is often involved as well.
Witnessing abuse
Over three in ten children who witness abuse are also physically abused themselves. Children witness between 40 - 80% of assaults on their mothers.
No matter how common it is, no child should have to deal with abuse of any kind
What is child abuse?
Child abuse happens when an adult mistreats or neglects a child. The person who abuses is misusing their position of trust and authority. This could be a parent, guardian, paid caregiver or sibling.
Children depend upon adults to protect them, support them and help them survive. Being abused damages their sense of safety. It also makes them more likely to be abused and exploited in the future.
Child abuse is a silent crime. It can happen in all cultures, social classes, and religions. Also, children with disabilities are more at risk for abuse.
What forms does child abuse take?
A child can be abused in different ways. Following are just some examples:
Physical abuse
Physical abuse means inflicting physical harm on a child's body. It may involve abusing a child a single time, or it may involve a pattern of incidents. Some examples are:
Shaking, choking, biting, kicking or burning a child
Handling a child roughly when helping them with dressing and going to the bathroom
Using force or restraint in any other harmful way.
Often the parents feel they need to physically punish or discipline the child. They may also think what they are doing is good for the child. An example of this is female genital mutilation (also known as "female circumcision").
Physical abuse sometimes leaves the child with a permanent disability. For example, a child may end up deaf, become paraplegic or have brain or spinal cord injury.
Sexual abuse
This happens when an adult or adolescent uses a child for sexual purposes. It can also mean exposing them to sexual activity or behaviour. It can include:
touching and kissing a child's breasts or genitals
inviting the child to touch someone else sexually
having sex with a child family member
forcing a child into prostitution or pornography.
Child sexual abuse is usually repeated, and can go on for a long time. It is also emotionally abusive.
Sexual abuse is against the law in Canada. Yet it is probably the form of abuse that people report the least.
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse includes other acts that can harm a child's sense of worth. It is usually part of a long-term problem.
It harms a child's self-confidence when an adult insults, rejects or humiliates them often. Other examples of emotional abuse include:
Isolating a child - keeping them away from other children, or removing their wheelchair or hearing aids.
Intimidating or terrorizing a child - locking children in closets or basements, threatening or shouting at them, making them fear the adult.
Exploiting a child - having them do things children don't normally do, like working when they should be in school.
Making unreasonable demands - telling them to play outside without getting dirty. Telling them to change their homosexual orientation if they want to stay living at home.
Neglect
Neglect means not giving the child what they need to develop. It can hurt the child both emotionally and physically. A parent or caregiver is neglecting a child when they:
don't make them feel loved, wanted, safe and worthy
don't let them see a doctor or take personal care of themselves
don't intervene when the child is at risk of harm
deny them an education
deny food, clothing and shelter, even though they can afford to provide them
leave the child alone at home too often. Parents are responsible for watching over their children until they are at least 16.
Witnessing woman abuse
Seeing a woman being abused makes children feel less worthy. It keeps them in a constant state of anxiety and fear.
It can affect them just as badly as being abused directly. They may also be hurt trying to protect their mother, or be used as hostages.
When a woman is abused by her partner, her children learn that:
Love and pain go together
People use force to solve problems
People need to give in to keep the peace.
Ritual abuse
People generally understand ritual abuse to be extreme abuse that goes on for a long time. In this case the adults use their religious or political beliefs to defend the abuse.
Ritual abuse often includes:
mind control
torture
murder
child pornography
prostitution.
Children depend upon adults to protect them, support them and help them survive. Being abused damages their sense of safety. It also makes them more likely to be abused and exploited in the future.
Child abuse is a silent crime. It can happen in all cultures, social classes, and religions. Also, children with disabilities are more at risk for abuse.
What forms does child abuse take?
A child can be abused in different ways. Following are just some examples:
Physical abuse
Physical abuse means inflicting physical harm on a child's body. It may involve abusing a child a single time, or it may involve a pattern of incidents. Some examples are:
Shaking, choking, biting, kicking or burning a child
Handling a child roughly when helping them with dressing and going to the bathroom
Using force or restraint in any other harmful way.
Often the parents feel they need to physically punish or discipline the child. They may also think what they are doing is good for the child. An example of this is female genital mutilation (also known as "female circumcision").
Physical abuse sometimes leaves the child with a permanent disability. For example, a child may end up deaf, become paraplegic or have brain or spinal cord injury.
Sexual abuse
This happens when an adult or adolescent uses a child for sexual purposes. It can also mean exposing them to sexual activity or behaviour. It can include:
touching and kissing a child's breasts or genitals
inviting the child to touch someone else sexually
having sex with a child family member
forcing a child into prostitution or pornography.
Child sexual abuse is usually repeated, and can go on for a long time. It is also emotionally abusive.
Sexual abuse is against the law in Canada. Yet it is probably the form of abuse that people report the least.
Emotional abuse
Emotional abuse includes other acts that can harm a child's sense of worth. It is usually part of a long-term problem.
It harms a child's self-confidence when an adult insults, rejects or humiliates them often. Other examples of emotional abuse include:
Isolating a child - keeping them away from other children, or removing their wheelchair or hearing aids.
Intimidating or terrorizing a child - locking children in closets or basements, threatening or shouting at them, making them fear the adult.
Exploiting a child - having them do things children don't normally do, like working when they should be in school.
Making unreasonable demands - telling them to play outside without getting dirty. Telling them to change their homosexual orientation if they want to stay living at home.
Neglect
Neglect means not giving the child what they need to develop. It can hurt the child both emotionally and physically. A parent or caregiver is neglecting a child when they:
don't make them feel loved, wanted, safe and worthy
don't let them see a doctor or take personal care of themselves
don't intervene when the child is at risk of harm
deny them an education
deny food, clothing and shelter, even though they can afford to provide them
leave the child alone at home too often. Parents are responsible for watching over their children until they are at least 16.
Witnessing woman abuse
Seeing a woman being abused makes children feel less worthy. It keeps them in a constant state of anxiety and fear.
It can affect them just as badly as being abused directly. They may also be hurt trying to protect their mother, or be used as hostages.
When a woman is abused by her partner, her children learn that:
Love and pain go together
People use force to solve problems
People need to give in to keep the peace.
Ritual abuse
People generally understand ritual abuse to be extreme abuse that goes on for a long time. In this case the adults use their religious or political beliefs to defend the abuse.
Ritual abuse often includes:
mind control
torture
murder
child pornography
prostitution.
How do I respond to a woman who is being abused?
We know that abused women still rely most on friends, neighbours and family for support and help. You may also suspect or know that someone close to you is being abused.
Here are some ways you can help:
Be supportive
Listen to her, believe her, and don't judge her. Let her know she is not alone.
Give her time to make her own decisions. Don't tell her what to do, or that she should go back and try a little harder. Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
Let her talk about the caring parts of the relationship. Don't put her down for staying with her partner.
Instead, share information on how abuse gets worse over time if no one does anything about it.
Help her focus on the good things about herself and about her children. But don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
Respect her confidentiality - keep things private if she asks you to.
Help her find services. Find out about services she can use and tell her about them. Depending on her needs, make sure they:
offer language or cultural interpretation
are accessible to people with disabilities
can care for her children if she needs it
are gay-positive if that's important to her.
Never recommend joint family or couple counselling if there is emotional or physical abuse. It is dangerous for a woman. If they want counselling, separate counselling can be helpful.
Help her plan for an emergency
Safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her. Help her plan an emergency exit. Don't put yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
Encourage her to get ready to leave home in a hurry. Help her get together items she needs, such as:
credit cards
cash
bank books
passport
birth certificates
citizenship papers
house keys
medications
her children's favourite toys
clothing
What can I say to her?
Give clear messages, including:
Violence is never okay. There is never a good reason for it.
Her safety and her children's safety are always most important.
She does not cause the abuse. Her partner is responsible for the abuse.
She cannot change her partner's behaviour.
Apologies and promises will not end the violence.
She is not alone. She is not crazy.
Abuse is not loss of control. It is something people use to control others.
The violence affects the children.
It is a crime to assault a partner.
She may be too fearful or confused to take any step right away. Be encouraged that she is reaching out for help. Every time she does this, she is gaining the strength she will need when she is ready to make decisions.
Here are some ways you can help:
Be supportive
Listen to her, believe her, and don't judge her. Let her know she is not alone.
Give her time to make her own decisions. Don't tell her what to do, or that she should go back and try a little harder. Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
Let her talk about the caring parts of the relationship. Don't put her down for staying with her partner.
Instead, share information on how abuse gets worse over time if no one does anything about it.
Help her focus on the good things about herself and about her children. But don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
Respect her confidentiality - keep things private if she asks you to.
Help her find services. Find out about services she can use and tell her about them. Depending on her needs, make sure they:
offer language or cultural interpretation
are accessible to people with disabilities
can care for her children if she needs it
are gay-positive if that's important to her.
Never recommend joint family or couple counselling if there is emotional or physical abuse. It is dangerous for a woman. If they want counselling, separate counselling can be helpful.
Help her plan for an emergency
Safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her. Help her plan an emergency exit. Don't put yourself in danger by confronting the abuser.
Encourage her to get ready to leave home in a hurry. Help her get together items she needs, such as:
credit cards
cash
bank books
passport
birth certificates
citizenship papers
house keys
medications
her children's favourite toys
clothing
What can I say to her?
Give clear messages, including:
Violence is never okay. There is never a good reason for it.
Her safety and her children's safety are always most important.
She does not cause the abuse. Her partner is responsible for the abuse.
She cannot change her partner's behaviour.
Apologies and promises will not end the violence.
She is not alone. She is not crazy.
Abuse is not loss of control. It is something people use to control others.
The violence affects the children.
It is a crime to assault a partner.
She may be too fearful or confused to take any step right away. Be encouraged that she is reaching out for help. Every time she does this, she is gaining the strength she will need when she is ready to make decisions.
How common is woman abuse in relationships with partners?
Abuse can affect all types of women, in all types of relationships. It can happen to a woman no matter:
how old she is
how much education she has
how much money she makes
what culture she comes from
what her social class is
what her sexual orientation is, or
whether she has a disability.
When it is physical, this abuse is also called "assault." When it is from a partner, it is sometimes called "battering."
What some studies have shown
In 1993 Statistics Canada did a National Survey on Violence Against Women. They found out that a male partner has abused almost one out of three women in Canada. This included both physical and sexual abuse. Over half of these women were badly hurt.
A 1989 study showed that battering was the most common way North American women were injured. More women visited the emergency room for battering than for auto accidents, rapes, and muggings combined.
The most dangerous time for the woman is when she is trying to leave her partner, or shortly after she has left. One third of women who were assaulted while still with their partner feared being killed at some point.
Between 1974 and 1994, a married woman was nine times more likely to be killed by her spouse than by a stranger.
How it affects specific groups of women
Here is what some studies have shown:
Pregnant women
More than one in five abused women were assaulted by their spouse during pregnancy. In another study, the same number of women reported that the abuse got worse during pregnancy.
Women with disabilities and Deaf women
Almost two out of five women with disabilities have been physically or sexually assaulted by their partners. This is 10% more than the amount of women without disabilities whose partners have assaulted them.
Older women (over 55)
Of older females who were assaulted, more than one in four were assaulted by a family member. This is compared to one in seven older males.
Lesbians
Not much research has been done in this area. However, the estimate is that violence happens between one in every six gay and lesbian couples. In a Québec study, one in ten lesbians said that a partner had abused them.
Does violence against women happen outside the family?
More than half of reported assaults happen in the home. This means that many women can also be abused or assaulted in other ways. These include:
Date rape and acquaintance rape
Workplace harassment
Stalking
Sexual assault.
In almost all cases, the women know the man who assaulted them. They could be:
Relatives
Co-workers
Neighbours
Persons who they trust or who are in positions of authority (clergy, doctors, therapists).
Are men ever abused by their partners?
It is true that men can be abused by a female partner. Still, far more women are abused by comparison. One study found that wife assault happens in almost three out of four cases of family violence. Husband assault only accounts for one out of every hundred cases. Men are far more likely to be assaulted by other men.
how old she is
how much education she has
how much money she makes
what culture she comes from
what her social class is
what her sexual orientation is, or
whether she has a disability.
When it is physical, this abuse is also called "assault." When it is from a partner, it is sometimes called "battering."
What some studies have shown
In 1993 Statistics Canada did a National Survey on Violence Against Women. They found out that a male partner has abused almost one out of three women in Canada. This included both physical and sexual abuse. Over half of these women were badly hurt.
A 1989 study showed that battering was the most common way North American women were injured. More women visited the emergency room for battering than for auto accidents, rapes, and muggings combined.
The most dangerous time for the woman is when she is trying to leave her partner, or shortly after she has left. One third of women who were assaulted while still with their partner feared being killed at some point.
Between 1974 and 1994, a married woman was nine times more likely to be killed by her spouse than by a stranger.
How it affects specific groups of women
Here is what some studies have shown:
Pregnant women
More than one in five abused women were assaulted by their spouse during pregnancy. In another study, the same number of women reported that the abuse got worse during pregnancy.
Women with disabilities and Deaf women
Almost two out of five women with disabilities have been physically or sexually assaulted by their partners. This is 10% more than the amount of women without disabilities whose partners have assaulted them.
Older women (over 55)
Of older females who were assaulted, more than one in four were assaulted by a family member. This is compared to one in seven older males.
Lesbians
Not much research has been done in this area. However, the estimate is that violence happens between one in every six gay and lesbian couples. In a Québec study, one in ten lesbians said that a partner had abused them.
Does violence against women happen outside the family?
More than half of reported assaults happen in the home. This means that many women can also be abused or assaulted in other ways. These include:
Date rape and acquaintance rape
Workplace harassment
Stalking
Sexual assault.
In almost all cases, the women know the man who assaulted them. They could be:
Relatives
Co-workers
Neighbours
Persons who they trust or who are in positions of authority (clergy, doctors, therapists).
Are men ever abused by their partners?
It is true that men can be abused by a female partner. Still, far more women are abused by comparison. One study found that wife assault happens in almost three out of four cases of family violence. Husband assault only accounts for one out of every hundred cases. Men are far more likely to be assaulted by other men.
What is woman abuse?
Woman abuse is any verbal threat or physical force used to create fear and control what a woman does.
With all abuse, the abuser has more power than the victim. The abuser is always the one responsible for his or her behaviour. Abusers often use alcohol as an excuse. But the real cause is their need to use violence to control another person.
What forms does woman abuse take?
A woman can be abused in different ways. Following are just some examples:
Physical abuse
Slapping or biting the woman, or pulling her hair
Destroying her property
Abusing her loved ones
"Caring" for her in an abusive way. This can include things like giving her too much medication or keeping her confined.
Using a weapon or other objects to threaten, hurt or kill her.
Psychological or emotional abuse
Threats
Threatening to take the children away from her
Threatening to put her in an institution
Threatening to tell friends, family and her employer that she is a lesbian
Threatening to commit suicide
Threatening to withdraw immigration sponsorship, or have her deported
Stalking or harassing her.
Control
Controlling her time, what she does, how she dresses and wears her hair
Putting limits on who she can visit or talk to on the phone
Keeping her away from friends and relatives. This is also called "isolation."
Not respecting her privacy
Denying sex, affection or personal care.
Verbal abuse
Putting her down and calling her names all the time
Describing her as stupid, crazy or irrational
Accusing her of cheating
Attacking her self-esteem in other ways.
Sexual abuse
Touching or acting sexual in any way that she doesn't want
Forcing or pressuring her into sexual acts
Forcing her to be a prostitute
Not letting her have information and education about sexuality
Forcing her to get pregnant, have an abortion, or have an operation so she can't have children.
Infecting her with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.
Neglect and isolation
Not letting a woman see a doctor or dentist
Taking away TTY, hearing aids or a guide dog
Locking a woman in the house without a phone
Not allowing her to take courses in ESL (English as a Second Language).
Financial abuse or exploitation
Controlling how she spends money, where she works and what property she buys
Spending all family income including her money or savings
Using credit cards without her permission; destroying her credit rating
Forcing her to turn over her benefit payments to the abuser.
Spiritual abuse
Putting down or attacking a woman's spiritual beliefs
Not allowing her to attend the church, synagogue or temple of her choice
Forcing her to join or stay in a cult.
With all abuse, the abuser has more power than the victim. The abuser is always the one responsible for his or her behaviour. Abusers often use alcohol as an excuse. But the real cause is their need to use violence to control another person.
What forms does woman abuse take?
A woman can be abused in different ways. Following are just some examples:
Physical abuse
Slapping or biting the woman, or pulling her hair
Destroying her property
Abusing her loved ones
"Caring" for her in an abusive way. This can include things like giving her too much medication or keeping her confined.
Using a weapon or other objects to threaten, hurt or kill her.
Psychological or emotional abuse
Threats
Threatening to take the children away from her
Threatening to put her in an institution
Threatening to tell friends, family and her employer that she is a lesbian
Threatening to commit suicide
Threatening to withdraw immigration sponsorship, or have her deported
Stalking or harassing her.
Control
Controlling her time, what she does, how she dresses and wears her hair
Putting limits on who she can visit or talk to on the phone
Keeping her away from friends and relatives. This is also called "isolation."
Not respecting her privacy
Denying sex, affection or personal care.
Verbal abuse
Putting her down and calling her names all the time
Describing her as stupid, crazy or irrational
Accusing her of cheating
Attacking her self-esteem in other ways.
Sexual abuse
Touching or acting sexual in any way that she doesn't want
Forcing or pressuring her into sexual acts
Forcing her to be a prostitute
Not letting her have information and education about sexuality
Forcing her to get pregnant, have an abortion, or have an operation so she can't have children.
Infecting her with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.
Neglect and isolation
Not letting a woman see a doctor or dentist
Taking away TTY, hearing aids or a guide dog
Locking a woman in the house without a phone
Not allowing her to take courses in ESL (English as a Second Language).
Financial abuse or exploitation
Controlling how she spends money, where she works and what property she buys
Spending all family income including her money or savings
Using credit cards without her permission; destroying her credit rating
Forcing her to turn over her benefit payments to the abuser.
Spiritual abuse
Putting down or attacking a woman's spiritual beliefs
Not allowing her to attend the church, synagogue or temple of her choice
Forcing her to join or stay in a cult.
Why is violence against women and children such a common problem?
Violence against women and children exists in everyday life in all societies. It takes many forms in our communities.
Canada has some of the most thorough and advanced laws in the world to protect women and children. Yet, violence against them is still a major problem. To learn more about the forms this violence takes, go to Question #2 (Woman abuse) and Question #5 (Child abuse).
Some women have to deal with added discrimination. These include:
Women who are Deaf or have a disability
Lesbians
Older women
Members of racial or cultural minorities
Members of language minorities (who weren't raised speaking English or French).
Why does violence against women continue?
Attitudes still exist that portray women as deserving abuse. This only worsens the inequalities many women live with each day.
There is no simple explanation for violence against women. It results from many factors in our society that send the message that women are not worth as much as men. Some examples are:
Structures in our society
There are parts of our social system that keep women from being equal. For example, many women:
don't have as much income to support themselves and their children
don't have access to subsidized day care
can't be sure they'll be protected if they leave their violent spouses
find it hard to access the criminal justice system.
Social, religious and cultural beliefs
These are beliefs about male and female roles which can contribute to violence. For example:
It's okay for men to use force to control women.
The man is the head of the household. Women are there to serve men's needs.
The family is a sacred place. What goes on there is nobody else's business.
Families should always have two parents.
Personal life experiences
A person's view of how women should be treated is affected if they:
witness woman abuse as a child
accept that it is normal for men to express anger with violence.
What can be done?
Woman abuse is a complex problem. It is linked to the attitudes, values and systems in our society. We will need a number of strategies to change the things that make it so common. These strategies must include:
improving the legal system
setting up extensive education campaigns
dealing with the structural barriers in all parts of life that keep women from being equal.
Canada has some of the most thorough and advanced laws in the world to protect women and children. Yet, violence against them is still a major problem. To learn more about the forms this violence takes, go to Question #2 (Woman abuse) and Question #5 (Child abuse).
Some women have to deal with added discrimination. These include:
Women who are Deaf or have a disability
Lesbians
Older women
Members of racial or cultural minorities
Members of language minorities (who weren't raised speaking English or French).
Why does violence against women continue?
Attitudes still exist that portray women as deserving abuse. This only worsens the inequalities many women live with each day.
There is no simple explanation for violence against women. It results from many factors in our society that send the message that women are not worth as much as men. Some examples are:
Structures in our society
There are parts of our social system that keep women from being equal. For example, many women:
don't have as much income to support themselves and their children
don't have access to subsidized day care
can't be sure they'll be protected if they leave their violent spouses
find it hard to access the criminal justice system.
Social, religious and cultural beliefs
These are beliefs about male and female roles which can contribute to violence. For example:
It's okay for men to use force to control women.
The man is the head of the household. Women are there to serve men's needs.
The family is a sacred place. What goes on there is nobody else's business.
Families should always have two parents.
Personal life experiences
A person's view of how women should be treated is affected if they:
witness woman abuse as a child
accept that it is normal for men to express anger with violence.
What can be done?
Woman abuse is a complex problem. It is linked to the attitudes, values and systems in our society. We will need a number of strategies to change the things that make it so common. These strategies must include:
improving the legal system
setting up extensive education campaigns
dealing with the structural barriers in all parts of life that keep women from being equal.
Abuse-Guiding Principles
The following principles are guidelines for our work on men's violence against women:
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN IS NEVER JUSTIFIED OR ACCEPTABLE.
IT IS A CRIME.
Violence:
is life threatening. In Ontario between 3-6 women are murdered each month by their current or former male partner.
has no place in the family or in the community.
is learned behaviour. It can, therefore, be changed.
is a choice.
is a power issue.
is never justified. No behaviour of any woman justifies or provokes violence.
is never the responsibility of the woman being abused. Responsibility for violence rests with the batterer.
does not stem from "loss of control". Control is what the batterer wants.
occurs in all classes, races, and cultural groups.
The issue of violence is complex. We need to understand the social, personal, economic, political, cultural, and religious dimensions of violence in a multicultural context.
Immigrant women and children face specific problems, such as:
racism
immigration policy/laws
language barriers
service access/lack of availability
lack of experience with social services
distrust of the judicial system
isolation
low economic status.
The community has the right and the responsibility to get involved. The more that is known about violence, the more effective the community can be in intervening and preventing violence, and the less it will happen.
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN IS NEVER JUSTIFIED OR ACCEPTABLE.
IT IS A CRIME.
Violence:
is life threatening. In Ontario between 3-6 women are murdered each month by their current or former male partner.
has no place in the family or in the community.
is learned behaviour. It can, therefore, be changed.
is a choice.
is a power issue.
is never justified. No behaviour of any woman justifies or provokes violence.
is never the responsibility of the woman being abused. Responsibility for violence rests with the batterer.
does not stem from "loss of control". Control is what the batterer wants.
occurs in all classes, races, and cultural groups.
The issue of violence is complex. We need to understand the social, personal, economic, political, cultural, and religious dimensions of violence in a multicultural context.
Immigrant women and children face specific problems, such as:
racism
immigration policy/laws
language barriers
service access/lack of availability
lack of experience with social services
distrust of the judicial system
isolation
low economic status.
The community has the right and the responsibility to get involved. The more that is known about violence, the more effective the community can be in intervening and preventing violence, and the less it will happen.
Issues that abused immigrant and refugee women deal with:
Fear of jeopardizing Canadian status
Lack of information about Canadian laws and their rights as women
Fear of losing their children for good
Fear of being ostracized from their community
Fear and distrust of police
Lack of professional support from home community
Fear of vulnerability without male protection
Experiences of prejudice, discrimination, or racism when they have interacted with various institutions
Lack of English language skills
Isolation from others
Fear of bringing shame to family
Lack of knowledge about or experience with social service agencies
Lack of availability of culturally appropriate services
Difficulties living within a shelter environment. For example:
Racial issues
Food issues
Differences about what is socially accepted behaviour
Child care/parenting issues
Feels like another prison or refugee camp
In many cases, low economic status.
Lack of information about Canadian laws and their rights as women
Fear of losing their children for good
Fear of being ostracized from their community
Fear and distrust of police
Lack of professional support from home community
Fear of vulnerability without male protection
Experiences of prejudice, discrimination, or racism when they have interacted with various institutions
Lack of English language skills
Isolation from others
Fear of bringing shame to family
Lack of knowledge about or experience with social service agencies
Lack of availability of culturally appropriate services
Difficulties living within a shelter environment. For example:
Racial issues
Food issues
Differences about what is socially accepted behaviour
Child care/parenting issues
Feels like another prison or refugee camp
In many cases, low economic status.
How To Help An Assaulted Woman
Know the facts about woman abuse.
Assure her that you believe her story.
Listen and let her talk about her feelings.
Do not judge or give advice. Talk to her about her options.
Physical safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her. Help her plan an emergency exit.
Respect her right to confidentiality.
Let her know you care and want to help.
Allow her to feel the way she does and support her decisions. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. Don't try to diminish her feelings about her partner. Don't criticize her for staying with him, but share information on how abuse increases over time without intervention.
Give clear messages, including:
Violence is never okay or justifiable.
Her safety and her children's safety are always the most important issues.
Wife assault is a crime.
She does not cause the abuse.
She is not to blame for her partner's behaviour.
She cannot change her partner's behaviour.
Apologies and promises will not end the violence.
She is not alone.
She is not crazy.
Abuse is not loss of control, it is a means of control.
Discuss how the violence affects the children.
Be encouraged that every time she reaches out for help she is gaining the emotional strength needed to make effective decisions. She may be too fearful and immobilized or confused to take any step immediately.
Although police can be asked to accompany a woman going back home to retrieve personal belongings, encourage her to be prepared for the possibility of leaving home in a hurry. She should have necessary documents or photocopies ready, as well as important items such as:
credit cards, cash, bank books
passport, birth certificates, citizenship papers
house keys
medications
children's favourite toy, clothing, etc.
An abused woman needs our support and encouragement in order to make choices that are right for her. However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for her to hear:
Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
Don't suggest you try to talk to her husband to straighten things out.
Don't place yourself in danger by confronting the assaultive man.
Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
Never recommend joint family or marital counselling in situations of emotional or physical abuse. It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest.
Encourage separate counselling for the man and woman, if they want counselling.
Assure her that you believe her story.
Listen and let her talk about her feelings.
Do not judge or give advice. Talk to her about her options.
Physical safety is the first priority. If you believe she is in danger, tell her. Help her plan an emergency exit.
Respect her right to confidentiality.
Let her know you care and want to help.
Allow her to feel the way she does and support her decisions. Let her talk about the caring aspects of the relationship as well. Don't try to diminish her feelings about her partner. Don't criticize her for staying with him, but share information on how abuse increases over time without intervention.
Give clear messages, including:
Violence is never okay or justifiable.
Her safety and her children's safety are always the most important issues.
Wife assault is a crime.
She does not cause the abuse.
She is not to blame for her partner's behaviour.
She cannot change her partner's behaviour.
Apologies and promises will not end the violence.
She is not alone.
She is not crazy.
Abuse is not loss of control, it is a means of control.
Discuss how the violence affects the children.
Be encouraged that every time she reaches out for help she is gaining the emotional strength needed to make effective decisions. She may be too fearful and immobilized or confused to take any step immediately.
Although police can be asked to accompany a woman going back home to retrieve personal belongings, encourage her to be prepared for the possibility of leaving home in a hurry. She should have necessary documents or photocopies ready, as well as important items such as:
credit cards, cash, bank books
passport, birth certificates, citizenship papers
house keys
medications
children's favourite toy, clothing, etc.
An abused woman needs our support and encouragement in order to make choices that are right for her. However, there are some forms of advice that are not useful and even dangerous for her to hear:
Don't tell her what to do, when to leave or when not to leave.
Don't tell her to go back to the situation and try a little harder.
Don't rescue her by trying to find quick solutions.
Don't suggest you try to talk to her husband to straighten things out.
Don't place yourself in danger by confronting the assaultive man.
Don't tell her she should stay for the sake of the children.
Never recommend joint family or marital counselling in situations of emotional or physical abuse. It is dangerous for the woman and will not lead to a resolution that is in her interest.
Encourage separate counselling for the man and woman, if they want counselling.
You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:
Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him from getting angry and are frightened by his temper.
Feel you can't live without him.
Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he doesn't like them.
Are afraid to tell him your worries and feelings about the relationship.
Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him when he is troubled.
Feel that you are the only one who can help him and that you should try to "reform" him.
Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
Stop expressing opinions if he doesn't agree with them.
Stay because you feel he will kill himself if you leave.
Believe that his jealousy is a sign of love.
Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him when he was jealous or angry.
Believe the critical things he says to make you feel bad about yourself.
Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he makes you do.
Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.
(some people) Have been abused as a child or seen your mother abused.
If you are abused:
You are not alone and you are not to blame. You cannot control his violence. There are ways you can make yourself safer:
Call the police if you have been assaulted. Charging abusive males is a necessary step in reducing physical violence.
Tell someone and keep a record of all incidents for evidence.
Write down the details for yourself as soon as possible after the assault. Keep it in a safe place where he won't find it.
Develop a safety plan. Memorize emergency numbers. Keep spare house and car keys handy. Know where you can stay in an emergency.
Consider ending the relationship as soon as possible. Without intervention, his violence will increase in frequency and severity as time passes.
Recognize that no one has the right to control you and that it is everyone's human right to live without fear.
Look out for men who:
Do not listen to you, ignore you or talk over you.
Sit or stand too close to you, making you uncomfortable and seem to enjoy it.
Do only what they want or push you to get what they want.
Express anger and violence towards women either through words or physically.
Have a bad attitude toward women.
Are overly possessive or jealous.
Drink or use drugs heavily.
Have a reputation for "scoring".
Feel you can't live without him.
Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he doesn't like them.
Are afraid to tell him your worries and feelings about the relationship.
Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him when he is troubled.
Feel that you are the only one who can help him and that you should try to "reform" him.
Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
Stop expressing opinions if he doesn't agree with them.
Stay because you feel he will kill himself if you leave.
Believe that his jealousy is a sign of love.
Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him when he was jealous or angry.
Believe the critical things he says to make you feel bad about yourself.
Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he makes you do.
Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.
(some people) Have been abused as a child or seen your mother abused.
If you are abused:
You are not alone and you are not to blame. You cannot control his violence. There are ways you can make yourself safer:
Call the police if you have been assaulted. Charging abusive males is a necessary step in reducing physical violence.
Tell someone and keep a record of all incidents for evidence.
Write down the details for yourself as soon as possible after the assault. Keep it in a safe place where he won't find it.
Develop a safety plan. Memorize emergency numbers. Keep spare house and car keys handy. Know where you can stay in an emergency.
Consider ending the relationship as soon as possible. Without intervention, his violence will increase in frequency and severity as time passes.
Recognize that no one has the right to control you and that it is everyone's human right to live without fear.
Look out for men who:
Do not listen to you, ignore you or talk over you.
Sit or stand too close to you, making you uncomfortable and seem to enjoy it.
Do only what they want or push you to get what they want.
Express anger and violence towards women either through words or physically.
Have a bad attitude toward women.
Are overly possessive or jealous.
Drink or use drugs heavily.
Have a reputation for "scoring".
Are You Emotionally Abused? Questions for Women in Heterosexual Relationships
Many women find that emotional abuse is difficult to name or even talk about. They often wonder if it is serious because you cannot see it, like bruises or broken bones. Emotionally abused women state that one of the biggest problems they face is that others seldom take it seriously. These questions will help you identify if you are being emotionally abused, and provide some ideas on what you can do about it.
What is your relationship like?
Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it?
Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner's eyes?
Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from learning English?
Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny,
or say you don't deserve anything?
After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
Does he use the children against you in arguments? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?
How are you affected?
Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?
Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?
Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?
What can you do about it?
Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.
Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for
Someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
Where can you turn to?
Women's help lines are for you too. Find the number in the front of your phone book.
Shelters do accept women who are emotionally abused and have not been physically abused. The help line can refer you to the one nearest you. Use the Bell Relay Service if they do not have a TTY. If you have a disability, ask where there is an accessible shelter in your area.
If you have been threatened with harm or death, or are being stalked (followed and harassed) by your partner or ex-partner, you can call the police. Dial 911, or if you are in a rural area, find out the emergency number.
If you are considering leaving, especially if you have children, see a lawyer. In Ontario you can call, 1-800-268-8326, for referrals to a lawyer and be entitled to a free half-hour visit.
Abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave. Ensure that you have a safety plan in place.
What is your relationship like?
Do you feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it?
Do you feel that your partner controls your life?
Do you feel that your partner does not value your thoughts or feelings?
Will your partner do anything to win an argument, such as put you down, threaten or intimidate you?
Does your partner get angry and jealous if you talk to someone else? Are you accused of having affairs?
Do you feel that you cannot do anything right in your partner's eyes?
Do you get mixed messages, such as the reason you are abused is because he loves you?
Are you told that no one else would want you, or that you are lucky your partner takes care of you?
Do you have to account for every moment of your time?
When you try to talk to your partner about problems, are you called names such as bitch or nag?
Are you prevented from going to work or school, or from learning English?
Does your partner threaten to withdraw your sponsorship or send you back to your country of origin?
If you wish to spend money, does your partner make you account for every penny,
or say you don't deserve anything?
After an argument, does your partner insist that you have sex as a way to make up?
Does he use the children against you in arguments? Does your partner threaten that you will never see the children again if you leave?
Does your partner blame you for everything that goes wrong?
How are you affected?
Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?
Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?
Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?
What can you do about it?
Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.
Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for
Someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
Trust yourself and your own experiences. Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
Where can you turn to?
Women's help lines are for you too. Find the number in the front of your phone book.
Shelters do accept women who are emotionally abused and have not been physically abused. The help line can refer you to the one nearest you. Use the Bell Relay Service if they do not have a TTY. If you have a disability, ask where there is an accessible shelter in your area.
If you have been threatened with harm or death, or are being stalked (followed and harassed) by your partner or ex-partner, you can call the police. Dial 911, or if you are in a rural area, find out the emergency number.
If you are considering leaving, especially if you have children, see a lawyer. In Ontario you can call, 1-800-268-8326, for referrals to a lawyer and be entitled to a free half-hour visit.
Abused women are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave. Ensure that you have a safety plan in place.
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