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The seven ways to sniff out if your partner is true to you.

The seven ways to sniff out if your partner is true to you.

 

 

Washington, Oct 25 (ANI):

 Not sure if your partner is true to you?

 Well, then here are a few signs

 that may help sniff out whether he/she is lying or not.

 

 

 

Here are seven ways to identify a liar, reports FoxNews.

 

1. Consider the person's recall:

 Liars never forget what they have to say ,

but they may stumble when telling a tale by making contradicting statements. They're also eager to change the subject.

 

 

2. Observe the person's overall body language:

 Liars can look ill at ease, fiddling with their hair, stroking their throat, or rubbing their eyes. With their body often turned away from you,

you may notice hand or leg fidgeting. Liars also have trouble swallowing and may shake their heads after a point has been made.

 When the subject finally gets changed, they appear happier and more comfortable, maybe laughing nervously.

 

 

3.Take notice of any defensiveness:

 Liars will often take offence to any indication that they're under suspicion. They're likely to throw any accusations you throw at them back at you.

They will also talk too much,

 feeling the need to over-explain themselves.

 

 

 

4. Home in on facial expressions:

 Liars fail to control their micro-expressions.

While fibbing, you may notice nervous twitching.

Their hand may be covering or touching their face.

 People also tend to touch the mouth when feeling guilty or anxious.

They're particularly good with fake smiles.

 

 

5. Don't overlook the Pinocchio reaction:

 When a human tells a lie, extra blood gets pumped through the body

and the nose swells by a fraction of millimeter.

 Liars may subsequently touch the tip of their nose unconsciously.

 

6. Concentrate on the eyes:

A liar has a troubled brow and downcast or darting eyes.

 They have trouble directly engaging your gaze.

They also give you eye-accessing clues.

 If the person is telling you the truth, he'll look up and to the left since that's the side of the brain we use for recalling information.

 If she's lying, she'll look up and to the right,

 which is the creative side of the brain, because she's mentally constructing something that hasn't happened.

 

 

 

 

 

7. Note the person's voice:

 The higher the stakes are, the more the liar has a fear of getting caught.

 With this, the liar has a harder time controlling his body language or her voice. The pitch or rate of the speech may change,

with the individual giving a lot of "umms" and "ahhs."

 Often, a liar will appear stilted and monotone.

 Answers may seem rehearsed.

The 7 Habits of Man & Woma

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.


Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
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DESIRE OF WOMAN - WHAT SHE WANT IN MAN?~!~

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
 
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
*******

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
*******

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
*******

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
*******

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

1. Breathing

 

Women's History month

WOMEN PLS READ THIS GREAT !!!!

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO PLAN TO BE GREAT MUMS, THOSE OF YOU, WHO ARE GREAT MUMS,
THOSE WHO HAVE GREAT MUMS AND THOSE OF YOU WHO HAD GREAT MUMS...


Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they  don't have time to make it.


Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.


Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.


Real  Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of shag carpets.


Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.


Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'


Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade... It is marked by the  progression of Mama to Mum to Mother...


4  YEARS OF AGE - My Mummy can do anything!


8  YEARS OF AGE - My Mum knows a lot! A whole  lot!


12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't  really know quite everything.


14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.


16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's  hopelessly old-fashioned.


18 YEARS OF AGE -  That old woman? She's way out of date!


25  YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit  about it.


35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mum's opinion.


45 YEARS  OF AGE - Wonder what Mum would have thought about  it?


65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mum.


The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is not in a  facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is  reflected in her soul.  It is the caring that  she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows,  and the beauty of a woman with passing years only  grows!


Please send this to 5 women today in  celebration of Women's History Month.


If  you don't, nothing bad will happen, but if you do,  something good will:
You  will boost a Mother  spirits 

__._,_.___

 

The success of marriage

4 Top Natural Beauty Tips:

Women all over the world spend millions of dollars on gels, creams, powders, and lotions all in the attempt to maintain or enhance their skin and beauty. Beauty is a universal theme that has been around since the beginning of time and all civilizations have had a natural beauty tip or two. Modern western cultures have taken the idea of beauty to extreme by resorting to plastic surgery, liposuction, injections, and other medically invasive treatments to gain a sense of enhanced beauty. There is no need to spend thousands dollars or resort to surgery, our 4 top natural beauty tips are freely available in this article for everyone.

 

First, natural beauty tip is to drink enough water every day. Drinking eight to ten glasses of water will solve many problems that you may be purchasing creams for. Drinking enough water will hydrate your skin and rid your body of the toxins and chemicals that are damaging your skin and hair. Flush the toxins out and hydrate your body with at least eight glasses and your beauty regime will improve greatly.

 

The second natural beauty tip is to eat fruits and vegetables daily. Fruits and vegetables contain the vitamins and minerals our body needs. When out bodies are fueled with the necessary vitamins and minerals many skin and hair problems disappear. Also, many fruits and vegetables such as carrot, oranges, cucumbers, and apples are known to be good rejuvenators for skin, hair, and nails.

 

Regular exercise is the third natural beauty tip that everyone should know. Regular exercise pumps oxygen to our cells, which in conjunction with water, helps to rid our bodies of those nasty toxins. Exercise does not need to be hours in the gym a walk around the block on a consistent basis will do wonders for your skin and body. Exercise also helps our bodies become more adept at digesting food which will allow the vitamin and minerals from the fruits and vegetables be absorbed into our bodies easier. Regular exercise also helps increase your energy level and sometimes can lift your mood. When you are happy and awake, you can look younger and feel younger. Isn't that what all the beauty products people buy are for? To create a younger you!

 

Finally and most importantly, do not discount the power of a positive attitude toward your beauty regime as well. Happy people are considered more beautiful in western society and having a positive attitude is the fourth natural beauty tip. Having a good attitude has been proven to lengthen your life span and boost your immune system, when we feel good we look good as well.

 

Natural beauty tips are really everywhere. There is no need to resort to a thousand dollar an ounce cream to achieve the same results you can get from eating right and exercise. Beauty really starts from within and following our 4 natural beauty tips can save you money.

 

33 Facts about Guyz

33 Facts about Guyz


*really very true........ . ......... ..

Girls r surely going to read it


 *Belive it or not........

1. Guys like their gadgets & bikes more than a girl.

 

Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.

2. Guys hate flirts.

3.When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.

4. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about .

5. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.

6. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

7. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.

8. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.

9. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow". ... so true.

10. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.

11. Guys love their moms.

12. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.

13. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.

14. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.

15. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.

16. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.

17. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.

18. Guys are very open about themselves.

19. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.

20. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty.. Even a small dot.

21. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.

22. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice ... very true.

23. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

24. Guys  keep secrets that girls tell them.

25. Guys think too much.

26. Guys fantasies are unlimited.

27. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does! ... very true.

28. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!

29. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.

30. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.

31. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.

32. Guys hate girls who overreact.

33. Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships.

Doesn't this all make sense?

 

Understanding miscarriage

What is a miscarriage?


Miscarriage is the loss of a pregnancy in the first 20 weeks. About 15 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks. This doesn't include situations in which you lose a fertilized egg before you get a positive pregnancy test. Studies have found that 30 to 50 percent of fertilized eggs are lost before a woman finds out she's pregnant, because they happen so early that she goes on to get her period about on time. If you lose a baby after 20 weeks of pregnancy, it's called a stillbirth.

What causes a miscarriage?


Between 50 and 70 percent of first trimester miscarriages are thought to be random events caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg. Most often, this means that the egg or sperm had the wrong number of chromosomes, and as a result, the fertilized egg can't develop normally.

In other cases, a miscarriage is caused by problems that occur during the delicate process of early development — for example, when an egg doesn't implant properly in the uterus or an embryo has structural defects that don't allow it to continue developing. Since most healthcare practitioners won't do a full-scale workup after a single miscarriage, it's usually impossible to tell why the pregnancy was lost. And even when a detailed evaluation is performed — say after you've had two or three consecutive miscarriages — the cause still remains unknown in about half of cases.

When the fertilized egg has chromosomal problems, you may end up with what's sometimes called a blighted ovum (now usually referred to in medical circles as an early pregnancy failure). In this case, the fertilized egg implants in the uterus and the placenta and gestational sac begin to develop, but the resulting embryo either stops developing very early or doesn't form at all. Because the placenta begins to secrete hormones, you'll get a positive pregnancy test and may have early pregnancy symptoms, but an ultrasound will show an empty gestational sac. In other cases, the embryo does develop for a little while but has abnormalities that make survival impossible, and development stops before the heart starts beating.

Once your baby has a heartbeat — usually visible on ultrasound at around 6 weeks — your odds of having a miscarriage drop significantly.

What kinds of things might put me at a higher risk for miscarriage?


Though any woman can miscarry, some are more likely to miscarry than others. Here are the most common risk factors:

Age: Older women are more likely to conceive babies with chromosomal abnormalities, and to miscarry them as a result. In fact, 40-year-olds are about twice as likely to miscarry as 20-year-olds.

A history of miscarriages: Women who have had two or more miscarriages in a row are more likely than other women to miscarry again.

Certain chronic diseases or disorders: Poorly controlled diabetes, certain inherited blood clotting disorders, certain autoimmune disorders (such as antiphosphilipid syndrome or lupus), and certain hormonal disorders (such as polycystic ovary syndrome).

Uterine or cervical problems: Having certain uterine abnormalities or a weak or abnormally short cervix (known as cervical insufficiency).

A history of birth defects or genetic problems: Having had a child with a birth defect, or a family history (or a partner with a family history) of genetic problems.

Certain infections: Research has shown a somewhat higher risk for miscarriage if you have listeria, mumps, rubella, measles, cytomegalovirus, parvovirus, gonorrhea, HIV, and certain other infections.

Smoking, drinking, and using drugs: Smoking a lot, drinking too much alcohol, and using drugs like cocaine and ecstasy during pregnancy can all increase your risk for miscarriage. And some studies show an association between drinking four or more cups of coffee a day and a higher risk of miscarriage.

Taking certain medications: Some medications have been linked to increased risk of miscarriage, so it's important to ask your caregiver about the safety of any medications you're taking even while you're trying to conceive. This goes for prescription and over-the-counter drugs, including nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) like ibuprofen and aspirin.

Exposure to environmental toxins: Environmental factors that might increase your risk include lead; arsenic; some chemicals, like formaldehyde, benzene, and ethylene oxide; and large doses of radiation or anesthetic gases.

Paternal factors: Little is known about how the father's condition may contribute to a couple's risk for miscarriage, though the risk increases with the father's age. Researchers are studying the extent to which sperm could be damaged by environmental toxins but still manage to fertilize an egg. Some studies have found a greater risk of miscarriage when the father has been exposed to mercury, lead, and some industrial chemicals and pesticides.

Your risk of miscarriage also rises with each child you bear and if you get pregnant within three months after giving birth.

What are the signs that I might be having a miscarriage?


Vaginal spotting or bleeding is usually the first sign of miscarriage. Keep in mind, though, that up to 1 in 4 pregnant women have some bleeding or spotting (finding spots of blood on your underpants or toilet tissue) in early pregnancy, and half of these pregnancies don't end in miscarriage.

You may also have abdominal pain, which usually begins after you first have some bleeding. It may feel crampy or persistent, mild or sharp, or may feel more like low back pain or pelvic pressure. If you have both bleeding and pain, the chances of your pregnancy continuing are much lower.

It's very important to be aware that vaginal bleeding, spotting, or pain in early pregnancy can also signal an ectopic or a molar pregnancy. If you have any of these symptoms, call your doctor or midwife right away so she can determine whether you have a potential problem that needs to be dealt with immediately. Also, if your blood is Rh-negative, you may need a shot of Rh immune globulin within two or three days after you first notice bleeding, unless the baby's father is Rh-negative as well.

Some miscarriages are first suspected during a routine prenatal visit, when the doctor or midwife can't hear the baby's heartbeat or notices that your uterus isn't growing as it should be. (Often the embryo or fetus stops developing a few weeks before you have symptoms, like bleeding or cramping.) If your practitioner suspects that you've had a miscarriage, she'll order an ultrasound to see what's going on in your uterus and possibly do a blood test.

What should I do if I suspect I'm about to miscarry?


Call your doctor or midwife immediately if you ever notice unusual symptoms such as bleeding or cramping during pregnancy. Your practitioner will examine you to see if the bleeding is coming from your cervix and check your uterus. She may also do a blood test to check for the pregnancy hormone hCG and repeat it in two to three days to see if your levels are rising as they should be.

If you're having bleeding or cramping and your practitioner has even the slightest suspicion that you have an ectopic pregnancy, you'll have an ultrasound right away. If there's no sign of a problem but you continue to spot, you'll have another ultrasound at about 7 weeks.

At this point, if the sonographer sees an embryo with a heartbeat, you have a viable pregnancy and your risk of miscarrying is now much lower, but you'll need to have another ultrasound later if you continue to bleed. If the sonographer sees an embryo of a certain size but no heartbeat, that means the embryo didn't survive.

If the sac or the embryo is smaller than expected, though, it might just be that your dates are off and you're not as far along as you thought. Depending on the circumstances, you may need a repeat ultrasound within one to two weeks and some blood tests before your caregiver can make a final diagnosis.

If you're in your second trimester and an ultrasound shows your cervix is shortening or opening, your doctor may decide to perform a procedure called a cerclage, in which she stitches your cervix closed in an attempt to prevent miscarriage or premature delivery. (This is assuming your baby appears normal on the ultrasound and you have no signs of an intrauterine infection.) Cerclage isn't without risk, and not everyone agrees on what might make you a good candidate for it.

If you're showing signs of a possible miscarriage, your doctor or midwife may prescribe bedrest in hopes of reducing your chances of miscarrying — but there's no evidence that bedrest will help. She may also suggest you not have sex while you're having bleeding or cramping. Sex doesn't cause miscarriage, but it's a good idea to abstain if you're having these symptoms.

You may have light bleeding and cramping for a few weeks. You can wear sanitary pads but no tampons during this time and take acetaminophen for the pain. If you are miscarrying, the bleeding and cramping will likely get worse shortly before you pass the "products of conception" — that is, the placenta and the embryonic or fetal tissue, which will look grayish and may include blood clots.

If you can, save this tissue in a clean container because your caregiver may want to examine it or send it to a lab for testing to try to find out why you miscarried. In any case, she'll want to see you again at this point, so call her to let her know what's happened.

What should I do if my practitioner tells me I've lost the pregnancy but I still haven't passed the tissue?


There are different ways of handling this, and it's a good idea to discuss the pros and cons of each with your caregiver. If there's no threat to your health, you may choose to let the miscarriage happen on its own timeline. (More than half of women spontaneously miscarry within a week of finding out that the pregnancy is no longer viable.) Or you may decide to wait a certain amount of time to see if it happens before having a procedure to remove the tissue.

In some cases, you can use medication to speed up the miscarriage process, although there may be side effects such as nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. If you choose to wait or take medication to try to speed up the process, there's a chance you'll end up needing to have the tissue surgically removed anyway.

On the other hand, if you find that it's too emotionally trying or physically painful to wait for it to pass, you may decide to just have the tissue removed. This is done by suction curettage or dilation and curettage (D&C). You'll definitely need to have the tissue removed right away if you have any problems, such as significant bleeding or signs of infection, that make it unsafe to wait for a miscarriage. And your practitioner may recommend the procedure if this is your second or third miscarriage in a row, so that they can test the tissue for a genetic cause.

What is the curettage procedure like?


The procedure doesn't usually require an overnight stay unless you have complications. As with any surgery, you'll need to arrive with an empty stomach — no food or drink since the night before.

Most obstetricians prefer to use suction curettage (or vacuum aspiration), because it's thought to be slightly quicker and safer than a traditional D&C, though some will use a combination of the two procedures. For either procedure, the doctor will insert a speculum into your vagina, clean your cervix and vagina with an antiseptic solution, and dilate your cervix with narrow metal rods (unless your cervix is already dilated from having passed some tissue). In most cases, you'll be given sedation through an IV and a local anesthetic to numb your cervix.

For a suction curettage, the doctor will pass a hollow plastic tube through your cervix and suction out the tissue from your uterus. For a traditional D&C, she uses a spoon-shaped instrument called a curette to gently scrape the tissue from the walls of your uterus. The whole thing may take about 15 to 20 minutes, though the tissue removal itself takes less than ten minutes. Finally, if your blood is Rh-negative, you'll need a shot of Rh immune globulin unless the baby's father is Rh-negative, too.

What happens after a miscarriage?


Whether you miscarry on your own or have the tissue removed, you'll have mild menstrual-like cramps afterward for up to a day or so and light bleeding for a week or two. Use pads instead of tampons and take ibuprofen or acetaminophen for the cramps. Avoid sex, swimming, douching, and using vaginal medications for at least a week or two and until your bleeding stops.

If you begin to bleed heavily (soaking a sanitary pad in an hour), have any signs of infection (such as fever, achiness, or foul-smelling vaginal discharge), or feel excessive pain, call your practitioner immediately or go to the emergency room. If your bleeding is heavy and you begin to feel weak, dizzy, or lightheaded, you may be going into shock. In this case, call 911 right away — don't wait to hear from your caregiver, and don't drive yourself to the ER.

Does having one miscarriage mean I'm likely to miscarry again?


No. Although you're likely to be worried about the possibility of another miscarriage, fertility experts don't consider a single early pregnancy loss to be a sign that there's anything wrong with you or your partner.

Some practitioners will order special blood and genetic tests to try to find out what's going wrong after two miscarriages in a row, particularly if you're 35 or older or have certain medical conditions. Others will wait until you've had three consecutive losses. In certain situations, such as if you had a second trimester miscarriage or an early third trimester premature birth from a weakened cervix, you might be referred to a high-risk specialist after a single loss so she can carefully manage your pregnancy.

When can I try to conceive again?


You may have to wait a bit. Whether you miscarry spontaneously or have the tissue removed, you'll generally get your period again in four to six weeks.

Some practitioners say you can start trying to conceive again after this period, but others recommend that you wait until you've been through another menstrual cycle so that you have more time to recover physically and emotionally. (You'll need to use birth control to prevent conception during this time, because you may ovulate as early as two weeks after you miscarry.)

I can't seem to get over having miscarried. How can I cope?


Though you may be ready physically to get pregnant again, you may not feel ready emotionally. Every woman copes with the grief of early pregnancy loss in her own way.

Some cope best by turning their attention toward trying for a new pregnancy as soon as possible. Others find that months or more go by before they're interested in trying to conceive again. Take time to examine your feelings, and do what feels right for you and your partner. Ask your caregiver where to get counseling or find support groups, if you think that would be helpful. You can also find support on our bulletin board Trying After a Miscarriage.

Calling It Quits; Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over Part III

I asked all the respondents the usual questions about how long the marriage had lasted and what role each partner played within it. Then I let them tell me how and why they came to believe divorce was their only option. I also asked about life after divorce and whether or not it had turned out to be what they hoped for. In general, my findings supported the AARP survey in that the greater percentage of divorces among the long-married are initiated by women. Most of them stressed the positive and told me they were "pleased, "satisfied,' or "downright happy" with their lives. The men, many of whom called themselves "the dumped," "the duped," or "the abandoned,' are for the most part learning "to adjust, "to accommodate," "to get along.'

One man who coped better than most is the eighty-three-year-old whose wife of fifty-three years tossed him out. Calling her the "dumper and himself the "dumpee,' he decided that, having had a woman look after him all his life, he needed to find a new one. He remembered how the cruises he had taken as a married man were filled with single women, all seemingly on the lookout for a new man. It took three cruises, all of which "exhausted' him (he said euphemistically), until he found "a good-looking sixty-year-old who doesn't mind doing my laundry. His ex-wife says she is happy for him, as she fills her days with part-time volunteer work, plays bridge with friends, and dances in the evening with men her age whom she meets in church groups and at senior centers. What she likes best about her single life is that she has male companionship when she wants it but at the end of the evening she goes home to her own bed and they depart for theirs. "I'll never pickup a mans socks again,' she vows.

Divorce is different for the rich and famous. Here I found the largest categories of men who initiated divorce and women who are sad and sometimes angry because their husbands have left them for "trophy wives." A Jungian analyst told me she describes these men as afflicted with "CEO-itis. All their lives they have been taken care of by wives, secretaries, and various assistants who fulfill their every need and desire. They are imbued with a sense of entitlement, that they can have and should be given everything they want and as soon as they want it. An English man described himself as a "serial marryer,' who likes his wives in their twenties and wants to dump them as soon as they reach thirty because "they get broody and want babies.' That, he said, would interrupt their concentration on him. Another told me to think of a man like himself (chief financial officer of an international corporation* in a way that his several wives had never accepted, as a "prize stud bull." It was his "obligation to service as many cows" as he could.

Throughout the book, I have used two different forms to tell the stories. One is the composite, in which I create a fictional person to stand for the cluster of persons whose stories are so similar that one can almost stand for them all. The second is the case study, where one couple's experience either provides a blueprint for what causes a marriage to end or else is so unusual that it needs to be told separately. Because I promised everyone who talked to me confidentiality, I have disguised their identities by changing their names and sometimes their professions and places of residence. All the information contained in this book is the truth as they told it to me, but I have created fictional personae to protect their privacy.

I don t know how many answers I've provided to the question of why there is so much late divorce throughout the world, but I have certainly raised a lot of questions. There are the obvious reasons, such as the fact that people are living longer and healthier lives and many have more disposable income. It is only natural that they change and even more natural that they don t always change at the same time as their spouse: he may be ready for retirement and she may be deeply involved with a career or hobby, she may want to move to a retirement community and he might not want to leave the old neighborhood. One or the other becomes bored or disenchanted with the old, wrinkled person sitting across the dinner table and might want someone new and exciting.

Margaret Mead thought every woman needs three husbands: one for youthful sex, one for security as she raises her children, and one for the joyful companionship of old age. Perhaps this is what people want today and why so much divorce is happening. The feminist revolution that started in the 1970s got women out of the kitchen and into the workforce, where they learned to be self-sufficient and discovered that they liked it. There are still many women today who are financially dependent on the man they married a long time ago, but it is surprising how many of them are willing to risk the uncertainty of life on their own just to get away from the "control" (another big word often cited in divorces) their husbands exerted.

I use the phrase "social earthquake' to describe what is happening today It was coined by the revered American feminist Elizabeth Cady Stanton to describe a sensational adultery scandal of her time that led to a late-nineteenth-century divorce, and it remains resonant here in the twenty-first. Our contemporaries have tried to name the phenomenon; British writer Margaret Drabble deems life after divorce "the Third Age. Drabbles heroine thinks, in the novel The Seven Sisters, "Our dependents have died or matured. For good or ill, we are free."

A woman in New Zealand put it more bluntly when she told a newspaper interviewer that she looked at her husband one day after her children had left home and thought, "I don't want to be here. I don't need you, and I really don't like you.

Could that be the simplest and most direct answer to all the questions about late-life divorce? We need to find out, and I hope this book will be a good way to get the dialogue going.

 

Calling It Quits; Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over : Part II

That evening, the agent who represents me in Europe phoned and in the course of conversation I told her about this book about late-life divorce I intended to write. She called the phenomenon "the European epidemic" and surprised me by saying that it was rampant in France and Germany. Germany, perhaps, I replied, but France? Didn't husbands and wives just go their separate ways, as all the movies and books portrayed French marriage, and didn't they stay married just to keep the money in the family? No longer, the agent said. European divorce statistics are fast catching up to those in the rest of the world. Even China was jumping on the bandwagon.

In the spring and summer of 2005 I had a chance to see for myself how common late-life divorce was becoming when I went to Australia and New Zealand to lecture, participate in writers festivals, and be a writer-in-residence at a Sydney university. People everywhere asked what my new book would be, and when I told them, so many came forward to tell me their stories that I realized it was truly a worldwide phenomenon.

But how, I wondered, would I tell these many different stories? As I am neither a sociologist nor a cultural anthropologist, I knew from the beginning that the book would not be a statistical survey or a scientific treatise. What I thought the book needed to be, and what I wanted it to be, and what it has become, is a collection of stories told to me by husbands and wives who chose to end long marriages, as well as the stories of adult children of late-life divorce, who told me how their parents' breakups affected them. My main objective was to let real people talk so that others might find in their stories something helpful - utility (guidance on how to divorce if they believed they had no other option), information (about the financial reality they would have to face after divorce, for example), or comfort (ways to live a satisfying life as a single after many years of being part of a couple).

I set out to collect as many stories as people wanted to tell me and to let them fall naturally into whatever categories or patterns they assumed. The AARP survey had 1,147 respondents, and initially I was hoping to amass about one tenth that number, or approximately 150 case histories. I began to interview in October 2004, and to my amazement, by the time I finished writing in early 2006, I had interviewed 126 men, 1S4 women, and 84 adult children. I continued to interview people until the writing was finished, for I learned something new with every interview and I wanted to incorporate everything I thought would be useful, helpful, and informative for those already divorced or for those contemplating it.

I found my subjects by word of mouth, as people learned that I was writing this book and one person told another, who had a friend, who told another friend, and so on. When I tried to describe my research methods, my sociologist friends told me I was using the well-respected technique of "snowball sampling,' in which information accretes to a point where it can be interpreted to give legitimate findings. Almost two thirds of my interviewees found me and volunteered to talk. In general, women were more open and eager, whereas men were not only hesitant about being interviewed, they were also more guarded and circumspect about what they wanted to tell me. Whenever possible, I tried to interview both parties to the divorce, but frequently - with about a third of the ex-couples - one or the other was so angry and bitter that he or she would threaten me with the dire things that would happen if I dared to contact the ex-spouse. I honored the request and did not initiate contact, but if the ex got in touch with me. then I conducted an interview. All the while I was interviewing, I kept remembering what a man in Switzerland told me when his wife ended their thirty-seven-year marriage: "There are five truths in my divorce: mine, my wife's, and our three children's. That was why I thought it was so important to get all sides of the story whenever I could, and why I also interviewed the adult children of divorced parents. It was interesting to me to explore just how the parental divorce affected the adult children's relationships and their attitudes toward marriage.

My respondents include straight, gay. and lesbian couples. They came from many social classes, from (to use some simplistic terms here) 'high society.' business elites (CEOs), and high-level politicians, to the stable managerial and working classes, to those I call the working poor, who hold service jobs or irregular employment. I also talked to divorce lawyers, mediators, and judges who specialize in what is euphemistically known as 'family law. To my regret, my study population is mostly white: I had too few Hispanic and African and Asian American respondents to relate their stories as being representative of a larger group.

Most of my interviews were conducted by telephone because my respondents lived throughout the world and the time and money needed for travel precluded face-to-face conversations. Initially I was disappointed that I would not have in-person interviews with everyone, but overall, when I compared personal interviews with those on the telephone, I found that the phone provided exactly the right degree of separation and the perfect buffer between people who were often hurt, angry, or confused and the stranger at the other end to whom they were confiding such intimate details of their lives.

 

Calling It Quits; Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over : Part I

This is the first book to reveal the truth about the exploding phenomenon of late-life divorce, which has resulted in a seismic shift in modern relationships. Now, in a finger-on-the-pulse examination of this growing trend, Deirdre Bair, New York Times bestselling author and winner of the National Book Award, explores the many reasons why older, long-married couples break up. Having conducted nearly four hundred interviews with ex-wives, ex-husbands, and their adult children, Bair reveals some of the surprising motivations that lead to these drastic late-life splits, as well as the surprising turns life takes for all concerned after the divorce is final.

Although the standard assumption is that husbands trade in their spouses for younger trophy wives, Bair has found that, most often, women initiate these divorces because they want the freedom to control how they will live the rest of their lives. The realization may appear to happen suddenly, but Bair shows how it often takes many years and much careful planning before the ultimate "Eureka!" moment. We see that for one woman it happened when she asked her husband to help in the kitchen and he shouted angrily for her to keep her voice down so he could hear the television. For one couple, the decision to end their marriage arrived when the wife condemned their unmarried adult daughter for having a baby and her husband sided with the daughter, leading both partners to realize that they had never had anything in common. One woman in her eighties, married for fifty-three years, woke up after transplant surgery and announced to her husband: "I don't know how many years I have left, but I do know I don't want to spend them with you."

Bair describes current trends in late-life divorece, including the growing use of "mediators," whom many couples see as lower-cost alternatives to lawyers. She also provides fascinating examples of how people cope in the years after divorce. Divorce changes older peoples' sex lives in surprising ways, and Bair is candid in discussing what really goes on in their bedrooms. She presents the stories of those who elect to stay single after divorce, of others who remarry immediately, and of those who are puzzled to find themselves divorcing yet again. As Bair's subjects rebuild their lives, the reader wills see new possibilities for living in "the third age," and may be inspired to realize that there is indeed life after divorce and plenty of it.

Important, eye-opening, and truly groundbreaking, Calling It Quits is essential reading for an entire generation and its children, and an acclaimed author's most personal and most universal work.

Not every writer finds inspiration for a new book in a dentists office on a sweltering summer day. I was a nervous wreck waiting for what I knew would be the bad news that I needed an implant, and so I thought I'd divert myself by reading magazines. There wasn't much on the table and most of it - about hot rods, golf, raising babies - was old and tattered, but at the bottom of the pile I spied what I thought was the best of a bad lot, the magazine for oldsters sponsored by AARP (American Association of Retired Persons).

The cover was like all its others, featuring a photo of a woman who didn't look old enough to be on it (Cybill Shepherd this time), but it was the blurb for one of the articles that caught my attention: "The New Divorce: Why More Women Than Ever Are Calling It Quits 'and Why Men Don t See It Coming).' 'This was certainly intriguing, because my own divorce happened after forty-three years of marriage, and in the years since I had been told countless stories (whether I wanted to hear them or not) by men and women who had been married a very long time but who had, for whatever the reason, decided to live the next stage of their lives as a single.

Some gave the usual reasons: "He traded me in for a trophy wife younger than our daughter or "We had nothing in common anymore" or "I couldn't take his (fill in the blank - gambling, drinking, womanizing].' But I also heard a lot of stories from men and women who I thought lived comfortable, contented lives in financially secure marriages and who said that they didn't care what the future might hold, that they divorced because they could not go on living the same old life in the same old rut with the same old boring person. I heard a lot of remarks that all came down to one word: freedom. Women - especially those women who had jobs outside the home - were tired of taking care of husband, house, and children. Men who divorced told me they, too, were tired of the same old daily grind of working to support wives who did not "appreciate them and children who did not "respect' them. Another remark I heard often from both was "Its my time and if I don t take it now, I never will.

So I was naturally intrigued when I saw that the magazines story was about a survey that AARP had commissioned of 1,147 people aged forty to seventy-nine, all of whom divorced between their forties and sixties. The reporter called it "groundbreaking" because it put the lie to the usual assumptions, that men leave and women seldom find love and/or companionship ever again. The study found that women initiated the divorce more often than men, and if they wanted new love or companionship, they were usually able, eventually, to find it.

The article corresponded in large part to the stories I had been hearing from friends, associates in publishing and academe, and acquaintances everywhere from Paris to Zurich to Sydney, where the research for my biographies took me. People rushed to tell me their stories while I kept mostly silent, probably because I am a curious anomaly: a biographer who writes the intimate details of other peoples lives and tells few of her own. To cover my reticence, I joked, asking if there was something in the drinking water that was making late divorce the worldwide phenomenon it seemed to be.

Some of the stories I heard fell into the same patterns as those in the AARP survey, but most had original and interesting twists. I knew several couples in their eighties who divorced after sixty years of marriage. I knew women who celebrated their fifty-year golden anniversaries by announcing that they would be divorcing within the coming year. One woman had been married for fifty-three years, had never worked outside her home, had no clear idea of how she would survive financially, and had just undergone an organ transplant. She told me, "I don't know how many years have left, I just know I don't want to live them with him!" Her ex-husband said he "didn't know what hit him" when she walked out because he always thought "everything was just fine. We never fought, we never raised our voices.' And I knew high-level businessmen approaching retirement who told me they were 'frightened' into divorcing because, even though their wives fulfilled every life style-supporting role they needed, from giving exquisite dinner parties to entertaining clients to raising the children alone so they could concentrate on work, there was no intimacy between them in their showcase "McMansion' homes. One of these men said he "could not stand the loneliness any longer, especially now that he and his wife would be together "24/7."

I thought about these stories in the dentists office. Yes, I did need an implant, and we did set up the necessary appoint men is, but the dentist was puzzled that I seemed more interested in telling him I needed to filch his AARP magazine and beat a hasty exit than in his description of the dire procedures that awaited me. All I could think of was how fast could I get out of his chair and onto the phone with my agent in New York. I had barely begun to explore with her the possibility of turning the intriguing stories I had been hearing into a book when she burst in excitedly to tell me about the "late divorces' that were almost an epidemic among the "chattering classes,' as the publishing and writing communities are called. We talked about the writer whose wife of thirty-seven years grew tired of washing his socks - yes, washing his socks, not typing his pages - and left him to fend for himself in a Brooklyn loft while she went to Cape Cod "to find herself and write her own book, ~a self-help for other women who call it quits.' There was the very rich "lady poet' (she styled herself that way) whose husband of twenty-nine years (and a figure of respect in his own right but in a different line of work) got tired of holding her two tiny dogs at readings in obscure storefront locations, especially after they became old and incontinent. He left her to go and live in a studio apartment in a poorer part of Manhattan, where he watched television sports and drank beer from the bottle in solitary splendor at the end of his busy workday.

 

a husband's grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother
and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave. 

 

 The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why
did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than
I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's
first husband."

What a Woman Wants in a Man Love Humor?

What a Woman Wants in a Man Love Humor?
 
What I Want In A Man, Original List … (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

 


What I Want In A Man, Revised List … (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

Best Divorce Letter

Dear Wife,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I am leaving you FOREVER! I have been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either YOU are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case I am GONE!Your Ex-husband.

**P.S. Don't try to find me. Your Sister and I are moving away together!

Have a great life!Dear Ex-Husband -Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed,Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

 

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